In children's section at local bookstore.

Lady Customer With Tight Face: I’m looking for a book that explains God to a child.

Bookseller With Sore Feet: Sure! What age is the child?

Lady: 18 months.

Bookseller: 18 months?

Lady: 18 months.

Bookseller: So, a book that explains God to an 18-month-old.

Lady: Yes. Do you have anything like that?

Bookseller: So, like, a Barney book?

Lady: No.

Bookseller: Boobah?

Lady: No. I want to teach an 18-month-old about God.

Bookseller: Sure. Right over here in the religion section. Here’s a Golden Book about God. And it’s a board book so, you know, if the child gets zealous and tries to eat the book….

Lady: Oh, this is nice. (glancing through book) This is perfect.

Bookseller: I like the illustrations. Eloise Wilkin. But then, of course, it's Eloise Wilkin. I think this was originally published in the 40’s or 50’s. A lot of blonde-haired blue-eyed kids.

Lady: Oh, that’s perfect! Just like my granddaughter!

Bookseller: Oh sure! I’m not saying blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids don’t exist…

Lady: But maybe…

Bookseller: Yes?

Lady: Maybe this book is a little “too much”.

Bookseller: I see.

Lady: Too many words. It might be confusing.

Bookseller: I have the same problem with the Bible.

Lady: Excuse me?

Bookseller: How about this book? Sort of a bunch of Holly Hobbies talking about God. In short sentences. In a cute font.

Lady: This is nice. Oh, much more simple!

Bookseller: Maybe I should read it. I get so turned-around somewhere around Leviticus.


Bookseller: Here's another that might do. Here’s a board book about Jesus.

Lady: Oh!

Bookseller: Oh no!

Lady: Yes?

Bookseller: Oh…I’m sorry! I didn’t… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed you were Christian. I apologize.

Lady: (tight smile) No need to apologize. Our family is Christian.

Bookseller: Well, I still shouldn’t have assumed. Our children's religion section leans heavily toward Christian texts because when they look at sales in this store...but you know, maybe if they had more books that discussed other....

Lady: (tight shake of head) Isn’t it sad that you even have to apologize.

Bookseller: What do you mean?

Lady: Well, you know…(tight knowing glance)

Bookseller: Jesus…would…understand?

Lady: It never used to be a problem until some people started making it a problem.

Bookseller: The…The Spanish...Inquisition?

Lady: No. Those people. Sigh. This is a Christian country. I don’t understand why people want to come here if they are not going to try to fit in.

Bookseller: Those Cirque du Soleil freaks, right? Always with the tight leotards…

Lady: We are the majority, so I don’t know why people get so angry when we want to talk about Jesus. And you can’t even say Merry Christmas anymore!

Bookseller: Or "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! My car’s been stolen!"

Lady: Yes…right...

Bookseller: (conspiratorially and with sore feet) I’ll tell you who really gets under my wimple.

Lady: Who?

Bookseller: The Zoroastrians.

Lady: Oh, yes! Those Zoro..aro…

Bookseller: …astrians…what with the Tower of Silence and the laying out of their dead to be eaten by vultures…

Lady: Vultures?!

Bookseller: Why can’t they put their dead on display for a day so that everyone can look at them all dead and dressed in itchy clothes for the rest of eternity…

Lady: Yyyyyeesssss…..

Bookseller: …and then dump them in the ground like normal people.

Lady: Okay…yes…

Bookseller: Well, not dump, but you know what I mean…I mean, vultures. Pfft.

Lady: That’s very strange. I’ve never heard of…

Bookseller: God wants us to be eaten by worms, right?

Lady: Is that really…worms...vultures…?

Bookseller: Or those Hindus. Whew! Just try saying Merry Christmas to one of them! Those people get ALL up in arms.


Bookseller: And that’s a lot of arms!

Lady: (backing away) I think this book will do fine. Thank you.

Bookseller: Merry Diwali!

Lady: Merry…Merry…(scurries tightly from children's section)

Bookseller: See you in paradise, sister!


okiehillgirl said...

hehehe...wish I'd been there...

saurav said...

so hilarious....

May you find this Christmas inner peace
Equal to the patient love you give,
Releasing all the pain you can release,
Renewing all the grace with which you live.
Yearnings may you turn to rhapsodies,
Choosing to find happiness in beauty,
Holding in their haunting melodies
Riches that sustain your sense of duty.
In anger may you find an evening star
Showing you the way to Bethlehem.
The angels that watch naked from afar
May you hear sing of who would none condemn.
As all you love are blessed in having you
So may you feel the joy in all you do.

May Peace
Hope and Love
be with you
and Always

Merry Christmas!
The Surging Waves said...


May we all find inner peace every day.

Have a Lovely Solstice.

(And tell those angels to put some clothes on. They're going to frighten someone.)


Reid said...

Loved it! I don't understand why people won't let us put our "Christ's Birthday Trees", and sing "Christ's Birthday Carols."

We've totally ruined Christmas with all this stuff that's not Christ-o-matic. I mean, snowmen? Jesus never had a snowman.

And don't give me that crap about the desert...if Jesus had wanted to make a snowman, he would have done it.

doc-t said...

why are Christians always trying to bring Jesus in the Christmas?

Can't we all just get along? Cant we just focus on the TRUE meaning of Christmas?

The TRUE meaning of Christmas is TOLERANCE and LOVE... not your narrow minded "Christmas is about Christ" and reconciling God and sinner.

Geeze... dont you think Jesus would rather have a nice seasons greeting and a holiday fetivity where we all lived in peace and accepted each other????

Okay..... I'm kidding... LOL.. i'm sorry I just couldnt resist!!! the absurdity of removing CHRIST form CHRISTmas is such that it warrants a stupid response.. and i'm JUST the guy to give it..

i have no idea why peole do that..

btw i LOVED your story!

Unknown said...

Whenever I find myself in a religious or moral quandry, whenever I doubt the genuine nature of this Christmas experience I ask the same thing Bart would ask:

What would Nelson do?

nadzent said...

Um...what was it I was going to say?

Heathens are the new Communists(and by Heathens I mean; Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims and uhhhmm...Episcopalians, artists and all those academians even). I fear soon all non-Christians will be driven out of the US for being Non-American...yeah, that's it.

I mean I'm no Nostradomus (can't even spell his name), but doesn't it seem pretty obvious? Scary, we're next....Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

And let's keep Sol in Solstice, too.

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