Two Gurus in Drag

Well, I’ve been off the good foot for a while and need to get back in the writing habit.

And what better way than to recount endearing tales of my adorable girls?

Everyone loves a cute kid story, right?

Oh, the things they do say!

Kids. Just can’t get enough of them.

Why, one never knows what charms of wisdom will exit their delightful gobs at any one moment.

Like see here:

A nuclear family outing, motoring through suburbia at $2.89 per gallon on our way to the local indoor shopping establishment, trying to enjoy our drive even though we can actually hear the thin white needle of the fuel gauge slashing through our bank account like the sleek, sharp scimitars of so many miniature Saudi princes…

Did I show you my peak oil Toyota Sienna commercial?

Anyway…

Happy family, la-dee-doo.

When Seconda decides that she’ll ease the tension with a little well-timed levity aimed at her pop.

“Daddy?"

"Hmm?" says Daddy, eyes intent, looking for a break in the stream of traffic.

"Daddy, I just want you to know that you have a small brain.”

“Huh?” says Daddy, trying to merge onto Route 15 while not being run down by a dump truck. “Wha?”

“You just aren’t so smart.”

“Say again?” The truck rumbles by so close that our car nervously gobbles down another gallon of gas for the pure comfort of it. “What has Mommy been telling you?”

“Daddy, there are a lot of things you just don’t know.”

“Well….”

“Like whenever I am doing something, you are always saying ‘What are you doing?!’ Like whenever I have a bottle of glitter in my hand. 'What are you doing?!' you say. Like you don't even know."

“Well that‘s just…”

“Or when I have the very sharp scissors. You say 'What are you doing?!' ”

“It's a rhetorical question.”

“Well, you must really have a small brain.”

“Okay, Seconda.”

“Because you just don’t know whatever I‘m doing.”

“Okay, that enough now.”

“Very small.”

“Okay!”


Ain't that a kicker? The little imps.

Or hows about this one.

How about you’re sitting with your 7-year-old in the sweet Norman Rockwell moment before bedtime, winding down, having a snuggle in the deep pink of the down comforter, reflecting on the day before finally kissing goodnight to visions of kitties and pansies and purple ponies prancing her onto dreamland.

You begin to leave the room, turning back once to capture an image, a snapshot, a childhood time and place when your round-faced little girl was still safe and sound in her butterfly room, in the bosom of the family home, innocence watched-over and protected through the long night by silver-winged angels and twinkling fairy lights.

Before you go, the little girl opens her eyes and sees once more her gentle mother - heavy in bloom with a new sibling, promise of the additional love soon to enter both lives - and the child sighs softly, parting her rosebud lips to the loveliest of smiles and says

“Mommy?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Well, Mommy...the baby inside your tummy?”

“Oh, yes, my love! Ask me anything!”


Ah! A treasured moment of beloved wonder!


“Well, I’ve been thinking....”

“Tell me, my lamb.”


This instant of first bonding between devoted sister and brother-to-be!


“Well isn’t it kind of..kind of...

"Yes?"

"Kind of scary?”

“Oh…I…okay…uhm…scary?”

“Yeah. You know. You have, like, a whole person inside your body. Brrrrrrrr!

“Yes…that's right.”

“It's kind of scary weird, isn’t it?"

"Hmmm."

"Don’t you feel kind of freaked-out thinking there's a whole person inside your body? That would freak me out.”

“Honey, it’s your baby brother.”

“I’ve just been thinking about it, and it’s real freaky scary in a way.”

“Okay, well, I’ve done this before you know. So, having a baby in my tummy isn’t so freaky this time around.”

“Like, there’s arms in you. And legs moving all around in you.”

“Yes.”

“And someone’s butt and stuff. Ewwwwwwww.”

“Why don’t you just shut your sleepy eyes….”

“Do you ever think it’s, like, a hairy monkey with hairy monkey arms and legs kicking you? Juimping all around in you?”

“…and shut your lovely mouth…”

“And it just kicks right through your stomach and comes out! I bet it feels like a freaky monkey inside!”

“…and go to sleep.”

“Okay.”

“Good night, Prima.”

“Good night, Mommy...Mommy?”

“Yes.”

“I love my little brother.”

“Okay, dear.”

“I love him a lot.”

“Okay, moment’s passed. Mommy needs a drink now.”

“’Night! Love you!”

“Love you, honey.”

The fairy lights twinkle as the contented child drifts to sleep.

The gentle mother, on the other hand, crawls into bed and has a full-blown panic attack while obsessively playing over and over in her mind the scene from Alien where the larva busts out of the guy’s stomach and screams around the spaceship devouring people.

Which, in a way, is a somewhat accurate representation of the toddler years.

12 comments:

Mrs. Chicky said...

Okay, that was too funny! I'd like to put in a request for more funny kid stories and some blinis please.

Thanks for leaving a comment on my site. Hope to see you around again. I'll certainly be returning to see what else happens with those kids of yours!

Mom101 said...

Those are some smart and funny kids you got there. Now that she mentions it...it IS weird to have arms and legs and a whole person inside you. Especially eyeballs. Ew.

Kate said...

I am howling here.

Alien. Yup. You've got an ALIEN in there!

krista said...

She sounds like fun.

You could have told her that she came out as a monkey, and that you had to cut her tail off. My dad told me that and I believed him until I waslike, 10. Creul... oh so creul.

Jozet said...

BAHHHHH!!!!! omg, I wish I would have thought of that, lol!!!

Of course, I would have told her sooner that it wasn't true...like 9 maybe?

Anonymous said...

Ok, I just laughed so hard I woke up my own freaky monkey baby. But it was so worth it. :)

~Jenny

http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/

Stephanie T. said...

“…and shut your lovely mouth…”

Oh, my aching sides! Very funny!

KK said...

Are they not just the cutest when they do that?Oh, those little smidget-chins say the darndest things. When my kids do it, I wonder why I didn't become a nun.

Amanda said...

Whoa: I've always thought that is must be wierd to be pregnant: the idea of a person living within me is kinda scary.

But I have never considered the fact that someone else's butt is inside you. It simply never occured to me!

Strange! And cute!

Amanda

Jor Jazzar said...

I was born with hair on my chest, you know. But I tell my girlfriends it's just aggressive downy hair I haven't lost yet.

And be sure to let Prima know that just because we may share a common ancestor with monkeys and other primates, that doesn't mean her little brother is a monkey--precious thing.

P.S. Was hanging out with brother and nephews yesterday, and was asked to have the honor and privilege of witnessing oldest nephew perform a number two...and was asked to assume butt-wiper duties. Butt-cream was requested, but(t) request was deferred to brother. Precious thing. You haven't heard anything until you've heard a three year-old matter-of-factly utter the words "butt-cream".

Jess said...

Actually, I'm with the little one. It *is* sort of scary weird when you think about it. Also, way to ruin a moment, kid! I love it.

Cuz E said...

Jozie,

me and your first born have the exact same take on the whole baby in the stomach thing.

It really is freaky!

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