Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms

I’m a big cranky pants right now.

It’s true. I’m a cranky girl and that’s the reason I’ve been crankily ignoring my blog, giving it sideways glances, knowing that if I tried to write anything at all it would all come out as one long cranky-girl whine.

So I thought I’d wait a bit before writing anything, see if the crankies didn’t resolved themselves perhaps after I ate a whole lot of chocolate or won the lottery (even though I don’t play the lottery) or found out that it really wasn’t true what they said about Tommy Hilfiger punching-out Axl Rose at a New York night club.

(Tommy Hilfiger?

Oh, Axl. You just broke my heart in ten different places.)


But no, even after a large piece of bananas foster cheesecake, I’m still cranky.

And just when I was on a roll. Just when I was gaining some notice from the blog-reading public. Just when I was getting actual hits from someone other than people looking for naked photos of David Suzuki. (Click the link, scroll down, and shield your eyes.)

Will you still love me all cranky and complaining?

Will you love me, just as I am?

Please don’t make me go eat worms. Long, thin slimy ones. Short, fat, juicy ones. Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms. Just humor my misery for this entry, and I promise I’ll be all sunshine and cupcakes from here on out. Really. Just one cranky post and then never again. Agreed?

(Okay, I crossed my fingers.)


Number One Reason Why I Am Cranky: I am big and pregnant.

I am big and pregnant and I am way past the “Oh! Look at you! Look at how cute you are with your little pregnant belly!” stage.

I am now in the “Whoa. I mustn’t have seen you for a while. Boy, you really got… big…all of a sudden. You must be due any day now. No? Two more months! low whistle” stage.

Even the fetish guys who hit on pregnant women in the grocery store have stopped flirtatiously asking if I need help carrying my sack of potatoes and lifting my bag of kitty litter.

I look big and mean and big. In that order.

I am in week 30.

I have 10 more weeks to go.

Tommy Hilfiger better not mess with my shit.


Number Two Reason Why I Am Cranky: My husband is messing with my shit.

First, you need to know that my husband has been especially wonderful lately. Really. He lets me take naps just about whenever I want, makes dinner, does the laundry, and jumps up to fetch me a jamocha shake whenever I look as if I’m about to kill someone.

This past week, I’ve been drinking a jamocha shake about once an hour, on the hour.

What a guy! I loves you, Honey. It’s all good.

So what’s my beef?

Today, I stepped out of the shower and caught sight of myself in the mirror.

Whoa.

I really got…big…all of a sudden. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, right? I’m pregnant. Bigness happens. Bigness all over. Big bursting, oblong belly. Big squishy arms. Big wobblish thighs. Big - way big - butt. Big puffy face.

I know that my body is just packing on a few extra pounds, just in case the summer rice crop fails, just in case I fall down a well (a well with, of course, a very wide opening) and need to live off my body fat until this baby is born. Insurance weight. “Baby fat.” It sounds so cute.

But I’m big and mean and big.

So anyway, what does my dear husband wander-in and say to me as I'm squeezing my ample butt into a pair of non-maternity underwear because I can't bring myself to buy underwear which are larger than my bedspread?

My intelligent, darling husband - a man, mind you, who has lived through a combined 27 months of cranky-pregnant-wife and so should know better - announces his learned and oh-so-sensitive observation of

“Whoa. You’re big.”

Okay, not so, so bad. But wait for it….

“You know, this time I don’t think you're going to lose the weight. I think this is it for you. You're going to stay big.”


And then he immediately went out and bought me five jamocha shakes.

I still love you, Darling. If you continue to remain contrite, maybe - just maybe - I’ll let your mother know where I buried your body*.

(*Just kidding.)


Number Three Reason Why I Am Cranky: I have head cold.

I hate head colds. They always start in my shnozzle, work down to my guzzler, then work all the way back up until every sinus in my face is filled with what I can only guess is a lot of mucilage and one small vole trying to gnaw its way out of my head through my molars. And the negative pressure - every time I bend over, my eyeballs begins to implode to the tune of a crushing “WHAAAAA-WHAAAAA-WHAAAAAA” sound inside my brain. It’s like constantly diving to the bottom of a very deep swimming pool with a 20-pound vise around my temples. That about describes it.

Now any of this wouldn’t be half so bad if I could just lay in bed for a week all doped-up on over-the-counter shnozzle-draining drugs and drinking pots of hot tea spiked with lemon and grain alcohol.

But I’m pregnant. I am a sacred vessel. What I eat, the baby eats. Cornflakes, a pound of grapes, an entire 15-piece box of Toffifay, even though it’s too good for kids. (Does anyone remember that commercial?)

The baby gets it all.

So even though my midwife says, “Oh sure, any of the over-the-counter Tylenol decongestants are fairly safe,” she also adds, “and if you really, really need to take something, you can.”

And so of course, I take nothing. Because to my twisted pregnant mind “really, really” is enough to convince me that there’d better be some dang-gum good reason to risk a Pregnancy Category C medication and we’re not just talking the piddling pain and pansy-ass discomfort caused by a little snot and a peckish nasal hamster. No siree! “Really, really” means 1,000 consecutive sledgehammers to the bridge of the nose and a feral weasel ripping at my soft palate. That’s the kind of risk-benefit we’re talking.

(I’d insert the cover of the Mothers of Invention album Weasels Ripped My Flesh, but I’ll have some mercy after the creepy smiling tomato photo below.)


And get this! I figure, well, if I can’t take the hard drugs, I’ll at least try the kinder, gentler, natural healing route. You know: vitamin c and zinc, saline spray, organic cotton hankies pressed against my self-righteous albeit put-upon and suffering nose. And then - then! - in a last-ditch effort to Google some research somewhere which finds that taking a decongestant while pregnant increases your unborn child’s IQ by 75 points and makes him strong like ox, I came upon this tidy tid-bit:

From www.uspharmacist.com

Recent attention has focused on the role of preservatives in topical nasal products, especially benzalkonium chloride, a preservative found in formulations of oxymetazoline.8,10-12 In a 1995 study, investigators randomized 20 healthy volunteers without nasal congestion to receive oxymetazoline nasal spray, either with or without benzalkonium chloride.13 Volunteers used the products three times daily for 30 days. Both groups exhibited rebound swelling and nasal stuffiness, but those taking the spray containing benzalkonium chloride had significantly worse symptoms. Later research suggested that shorter use times may increase the safety factor, but the authors still counseled against exceeding the labeled period.

Now, I’m not using the oxymetblahblahblah spray. I’m just using plain old saline spray. Salt water. Up my schnozz. A little saline helps the nose to decongest.

Except this saline spray happens to also contain benzalkonium chloride as a preservative. Benzalkonium chloride, the very same benzalkonium chloride which causes rebound swelling and - yes, yes, yes - nasal stuffiness!

Say what?

That’s crazy talking!

Why the heck would you need a preservative in salt water anyway? Isn’t salt a preservative? Isn’t salt why a McDonald’s hamburger will still look like a McDonald’s hamburger after you mysteriously find one in the back seat of your car and realize that the last time you went to McDonald’s was three months ago? Isn’t salt why Lot’s wife looked so good at Sodom High's 20th Year Reunion (“Go Fighting Fornicators!”)?

Anyway, yes, reason for more crankiness.


Now, I could list about eleventy-twenty more reasons that I’m feeling miserable. But I think you get the gist of it.

Although, after tonight, I may have to write an entire cranky post about our neighbors and the motorcycles they’ve been revving in their driveway beginning at 9:00 am this morning and ending a few minutes shy of 11:30 pm.

Not nice, neighbors. Not nice.

And now that you’ve put up with me through this entire post, I shall indeed make good on my promise to eat a worm. I vented a bit and now I am feeling a little less cranky and, perhaps, tad embarrassed to have let it all hang out this way. Thank you for putting up with me.

Now, pass the worm.

Just make sure it’s low-fat.

And, of course, FDA Pregnancy Pharmaceutical Category rating of A.

Category A: “Go ahead, preggers! Eat’em by the fistful!”

33 comments:

Kate said...

Oh, baby...You go right ahead and whine. 30 weeks, and with a head cold...you have every reason.

Your hubby didn't really say that, did he?! I think any jury would find it justifiable homicide.

Jozet said...

I think he thought he was being funny and missed his mark, eh-hem.

My sense of humor is currently somewhere trapped in my sinuses.

anne said...

Oh sis. I feel for you as my head is soo full of mucus I feel like my eyeballs are full of it. Fortunately for me though, I am taking scads of medicine and washing it down with lagers.

Anyway...you will too lose the weight. You ALWAYS do. And, oddly enough, it seems as though I find it. I think I have one of your triceps from your last pregnancy.

PAgent said...

Oh, your poor husband. I can actually feel, viscerally feel, the panicked too-late-to-swallow-my-own-tongue realization that he had Said Something Stupid. All the backpedalling in the world won't help at that point. Just start buying Haagen-Dazs.

I am the poster boy for hypertonic saline irrigation. It sounds awful, but it's not that bad, and it's the greatest thing you can do for your sinuses. Distilled water, pickling salt (which contains no additives, benzalkonium chloride or other) and a bit of baking soda. If you google it, you can find the recipe.

It stopped a two-year string of sinus infections, and it really helps with allergies, too.

Lindsay said...

OH honey.. being sick and preggers SUCKS!!! I am soooo sorry! You have every right to be cranky and get away with it! 10 weeks to go.. thats GREAT! Hopefully it will FLY by!

Chase said...

Even at your crankiest, you still have me laughing - and that's what matters...me. Right?

Big (not implying anything) hugs to you. Have another shake. You deserve it.

Feel better soon, dear.

savagemama said...

My equally enlightened husband said the EXACT same thing while I was preggo with numero tres and I lost all the weight and then some, just to stick it to him. You go, girl - 10 weeks will fly right by - Mother Nature makes pregnancy a month longer than it should be just so you are actually HAPPY to be in labor.

Dani said...

OY! I remember this time. This is where the misery of being pregnant propels women towards labor. When my labor with my third child started I was giddy! It meant I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore! Quite a switch from my first two labor experiences.

I know if I get a cold when I am pregnant it usually last a whole trimester! I actually have a head cold now, and felt a tad grateful that I am not pregnant right now when I read your post. Sorry.

I hope you enjoy your third child as much as I have enjoyed mine (think guilty, guilty extremes here.)

Oh, and if it helps any I am below my prepregnacy weight! Having to chase after three little ones has helped with that.

Mom101 said...

How you manage to be clever, articulate and funny in your thirtieth week of fat, cranky pregancy I will never know. Everything I wrote then sounded more like blahblahblah baby blahbeblahblah tired blahhhhhhblah Twix bars.

Feel better mama. Could be worse - you could be a dog where ten weeks is like forty years or something.

Meghan said...

Oh I remember the Jaba the hut days. You will return to your previous and much smaller self. It's just the beginnings of Humility is what parenthood is all about. Ha.

This post made me laugh several times. You still have your sense of humor in tact. That's good!

wordgirl said...

I predict you'll lose the weight...if that's what you want. It's okay to be cranky. I prefer utilizing the "scorched earth policy" when someone/something makes me cranky. I got cranky this weekend when some anonymous commenters turned a simple post about Angelina Jolie into a mud slinging contest. So I...uh...said some things. Cranky things. Go read them and see if it makes you feel better.

sunshine scribe said...

Good grief indeed!

Go be as cranky as you want and no need for the worms (unless of course they work better than those shakes).

Oh and poor hubby needs a refresher on what is funny in week 30 of pregnancy.

Hope you feel better soon.

Siuan said...

LOL! You are going to get tons of hits from big + bum!!
Hubby, hubby, don't they learn after having two children already. In my case it's more but really, don't they learn.
I can commiserate to a degree, I'm sick as a dog, sick, sick, sick. I'm big to begin with but don't have that big uncomfortable thing goin' on and I don't look forward to it. I hopw you have a cool, well shaded and well shaked summer!

ninepounddictator said...

Oh, I just love your pregger blog! I love it and am so gald I found it (Come visit me at ninepounddictator.blogspot.com)

Anyway, this is the time you are supposed to be crying over anything. So when your hubby makes a dumb ass remark, you have to start crying hard!!! (And then he'll apologize and you say that's not enough, and then maybe he'll get you a present!)

The worst thing that happned to me when I was pregnant (Only gained 47 pounds!!!) and i had craving for an ice cream cone. Went in and the woman said, "OH, I can tell your having a girl." And I said, "HOw?" Her Answer, "Beacues of the size of your butt!"

NEedless to say, I wasn't exactly in the ice cream mood after that...and i ceritnaly wasn't to go buy icecream from a woman who made fum of my big butt, that's for sure.

gingajoy said...

hey! did I know you were preggers? me too (in case you didn;t know). I am at the cute(ish) stage now--what my friend refers to as "Hollywood Full Term." 15 weeks, and having lost weight in first tri, I am not too puffy YET.

But I know this is all an illusion, as last preg was exactly the same, and I ended up HUGE. ENORMOUS. And now, as appetite comes back in full force, and I begin to Eat for England, I know my days with manageable sized arse are numbered (and when I say manageble, I mean still quite sizable, but I am OK with that--but as it gathers mass over next months, I will be weeping in front of the mirror too).

Enjoy the crankiness, lady. And make sure the others around you SUCK IT UP too. Heh.

Izzy said...

I distinctly recall having a head cold while I was preggers and then a subsequesnt sinus infection around week 30. That said, you are well within your rights to be a cranky as you wanna be! I took a lot of hot, steamy showers to decongest. Seemed to help a little. Feel better, mama :)

Stephanie T. said...

Wow, he sure *did* miss the funny mark. Not.funny.at.all.

You have many good reasons for being cranky my dear. But you've still got your sense of humor. ;)

lildb said...

a) cupcakes. Cupcakes!!

b) I ... I love you, Jozet. I just do. So shut up. (Only, in my world, that means: please don't *ever* shut up. Ever.)

c) I love cupcakes.

d) how do you think your husband might do as a cupcake filling? 'cause I'm betting, delicious.

e) seriously? this is you, in whining terms? *grumbles to self, looks under computer desk to see if there are cheat-sheets for funny underneath; realizes there aren't, grumbles some more, tries to ignore tears falling on keyboard*

f) if I didn't think you were the funniest person to grace the blogworld since blogworld began, I'd probably sit around eating my heart out over your ownership of the funny. which I kind of do anyway.

g) did your husband accidentally confuse his (fat) head with your image in the mirror? I say that, knowing full well what a lovely man blablabla, and also knowing that he's a smarty pants from checking out his blog, hence my bewilderment.

h) nothin'. just don't want to stop fanning you with adoration.

:)

Jenny said...

Poor baby! But the silver lining is that after staying up all night with a teething toddler you made me laugh...and I soooo needed it.

Thanks, babe.

Jess Riley said...

You be as cranky as you need to be. We'll still keep coming back for more. :)

Also, I have a feeling my own husband will make some cracks like that one when I'm big and preggers. He already makes the "Oh, I know why you're emotional...it's PMS!" comments now and then.

Jozet said...

Awwwww...thank you everyone! I do feel better after my little rant. And today I went to Ikea, so I'm in heaven right now even though it's 90 degrees right now and I'm sweating like a...uh...like a big, sweaty, pregnant lady.

My DH is still lovely (and alive) and still making it up to me with more and more milkshakes.

owlhaven said...

Too funny! I did a Mommy and Me swim class with my 2 year old when I was about as pregnant as you are--optimistically bought this 'slimming' black tank that I thought looked fairly decent-- hubby called me Shamu! As in, whale. I let him live, cuz I'm nice like that. But he had to make up for it for days...

Feel better soon!

Mary, mom to many

The other me said...

My husband pulled me close to him when I was 7 months pregnant with baby 4 and said " how's my momma hippo?"
Snot cry, it's the only way to go, no warning, just let him have it, snot from eyes, nose, drool if you can manage it, gulp a lot and make it last, 20 minutes minimum. He won't say another word unless he has thought it through very carefully, checked it out with at least 37 pregnant women he isn't married to and then he might feel safe enough to just agree with everything you say until your baby is almost 17.

Veronica Mitchell said...

This is my first time reading your blog. Hilarious. And I understand. When my second daughter was a week old, and I was walking around at 2 am trying to soothe her colicky crying, I found myself saying, "This is still better than being pregnant."

motherhooduncensored said...

Oh Jeezus. You crack me up. I had to read this in sessions. Gave me something to look forward to each night. Only 10 weeks to go :) (don't you love when people say that...)

Elizabeth said...

Head cold=bad. Husband's comment=bad. You mentioning Weasels Ripped My Flesh AND saying "Go Fighting Fornicators!"=freakin' hilarious!!

No wonder Amy linked to you at Mom's Daily Dose. Hope you feel better soon.

Missie said...

You poor punkin. I remember having a cold for TWO STINKIN MONTHS while I was pregnant, with the coughing and the snotting and the not breathing and the snorting, making me a vision of Madonna & Child, letmetellya. I had called my OBGYN numerous times and the nurse always said, "Oh, that OTC didn't work? Try this." So after spending fifty kajillion dollars on drugs that in no way healed me or made me happy, the nurse finally said, "Oh, maybe we should get you in to see the dr. She could give you a prescription." Oh, ya think? Sister, your crankiness was nothing compared to my "going to rip out a health care professionals' eyeballs out" rage. So as long as you're not homicidal, then you're ahead of the game.

And your hub? Just feel sorry for him cuz he's dumb. Like my hub. When he said the SAME.EXACT.THING!

Genevieve said...

I remember the Toffifay commercials! And they never said it's too good for fetuses, yanno?

mothergoosemouse said...

Where did you find an Arby's with a functioning jamocha shake machine? We have tried multiple locations, across the COUNTRY, and none of them have a jamocha shake machine that is actually in service.

I do hope you shake the head cold soon. Had one that migrated down to my chest in the 39th week. Nothing like recovering from a c-section while hacking up phlegm.

Go ahead and be mean. Pregnant women get a special dispensation. Plus bonus points for being funny.

nadzent said...

Boy, is Ernie (my husband, your dear cousin) glad your man said that and not him! He was gloating about how all of his comments pale in comparison to this one. We'll see if he remembers this lesson in 6 weeks when I am at 30 and counting...and why on Earth, by the way, does he think that this time will be any different than the last two times you were pregnant? You are naturally one of the thinnest people I know (hate you!)...

I had the worst cold just about when I entered the 2nd trimester. I finally broke down and took Sudafed - it kicked it after almost 6 weeks of horrible sickness, not breathing, not sleeping, not eating. My Dr swears it is OK - but I, like you, held out until I really, really needed it...feel better soon!!

Isabel said...

Being pregnant is no fun. And for those women who "just loved being pregnant", I say...YOU SUCK!

Hope you get feeling better soon!

Belle-ah said...

OMG...your dh didn't really say that--did he?

How are you feeling about single parenting? LOL

Thanks for a fun read!

-Amber said...

I'm just now getting around to reading everyone's blogs... Definitely don't get a chance to leave comments, but felt I had to on this one!

You were 30 wks and he made a comment like that??? He's lucky he's alive. TFS!

Blog Ping