Aqua Throwdown

I was perusing the latest brochure of swim course offerings from our local high school's Community Aquatics Program.

I was thinking I'd help beat the winter blahs by signing-up the kiddies for some water tot programs, and maybe also, you know, challenge myself with an adult aqua class or two.

Beginning Diving?

Hmmm. Is The Bellyflop a dive?

How about a synchronized swimming class?

I always look so fetching in a rubber skull cap.

But my interest was really piqued when I came to the final listing:

Theory And Confined Water Scuba

Ooh.

This sounded like serious fun.

None of those airy-fairy swan dives or spiraling arabesques with toes pointed and Knox gel in my hair.

I want to gear up big time. I want goggles and flippers and an oh-so-form-fitting Scuba suit in black leather with flames down the side. I want to deep sea dive and poke at sharks with big sticks. I want to explore the wrecks of Spanish galleons and stuff handfuls of gold doubloon into my Aqua Bra.

Yes! Water Scuba! That’s the class for me!

I could do this!

And then I read the class description and prerequisites:


Damn.

200 years?

During my lifeguard training class in 1983, I had to tread water for 30 minutes. I think I got a nosebleed at minute 14.

I’m an Aqua Weinie.

So yeah. Friendly warning not to challenge the Cumberland Valley Scuba Divers to an endurance round. Those guys are hardcore.

Anyway…who wants to dive in a quarry?

All that’s down there is a bunch of stolen Chevelles and a few ex-mobsters.


I think I’ll go for this cap.

17 comments:

stephanie said...

200 years of swimming? now if that isn't a way to beat the winter dolrums, i don't know what is!

Mary-LUE said...

What a riot! Please tell me you are sending this in to Leno or Letterman. I'm crying here that is so funny.

And you know, I kind of like that bathing cap. It's so hot!

Stephanie T. said...

Hee! Yes, you MUST send that in to Jay Leno!

mothergoosemouse said...

200 years? God help me, I'm lucky to make it 200 yards.

Wait...that's what they meant?

Um...well, in that case, I can't participate because I've got some wicked phobias about not being able to breathe naturally. But I might be able to overcome them if I could wear that swim cap.

dianeinjapan said...

Crikey!! I think my mom had that lovely swim cap--or maybe hers was blue...either way, that thing looks awfully familiar.

lildb said...

me likee the cap.

on the other hand, not so fond of a 200-year swim meet.

can you imagine the competition?

Mrs. Chicky said...

200 years? That leaves me out. But the cap is fabulous. Very Esther Williams.

mamatulip said...

I'd swim for 200 years just for the chance to wear that stunning cap.

anne said...

Well...it would be a good excuse as to why you can't seem to get around to cleaning up the clutter.

I can see 150 years but 200 is just really overdoing it.

wordgirl said...

I know that, in desperate situations, treading water for long periods SEEMS like years, but I've never seen it actually REQUIRED for a class. Boy! Those guys are strict!

Julie Pippert said...

200 years huh?

Well, with such peers, you definitely MUSt go for the swim cap pictured.

Moobs said...

If you haven't taken the class lie about your age (I'm 40,000 years old and swim 200 years before breakfast each day). Scuba is worth a lie or two adhered to your soul.

Mom101 said...

I just laughed so hard Nate yelled at me because the baby's asleep. THen I made him read it. And you might imagine how much he loves when I'm like, "no really, THIS one really is funny!"

F Leno, that old has-been. Make him come here if he wants your material for free.

nomotherearth said...

I almost spat out the candy I was eating, I laughed so hard. Things like this make my day. I should have been a copy editor.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I'm doing that ridiculous open-mouth, no-sound-coming-out belly laugh b/c the kids are asleep. TOO funny. God, I don't think David Blaine could even handle 200 years of swimming.

nadzent said...

I did (learned, practiced, swam, performed...?) synchronized swimming in summer camp once. It was the year I went to the summer camp at School Sisters of Notre Dame. It was run by nuns. And we did synchronized swimming.

Love you Josie.

aquabot said...

OMG 200 years....for a cap!!!!!...nope...Yeah but couple of my friends here in Boston are quiet crazy about such kind of adventurous stuff..

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