Letting My Freak Flag Fly

Let's face it: I haven't been posting a whole lot lately.

Every once in a while I write one of these "Here's why I'm not posting so much lately but if you just hang on for a while I promise to start posting more" in an attempt to salvage the last of my audience, and as soon as I write that post, my husband immediately emails me and tells me that, basically, I am lame.

No one wants to hear why I'm not posting more. They just want me to post.

Except that after a while, I think, people just give up waiting for me to post more, and with good reason.

Boo-hoo me.

Oh sure, I get a lot of clicks on my blog...except lately, most people out there from The Internets are looking for this picture of David Suzuki naked with a fig leaf. I swear, I get at least twenty hits a day with searches for that photo, and most of them are from the Czech Republic and Dubai. Kinky things going down in Dubai. The Czech Republic, I don't even want to know.

And so my once semi-faithful readership has moved on to more prolific pastures. Well... Slouching Mom still loves me with the eternal flame of Heathcliff for Cathy, and Jane for Mr. Rochester, and for that I am grateful. And Julie Pippert I pay $35.79 a month to read my blog and comment whenever she can. And then there is that gorgeous woman from i, obsess with the sexy hair and the sultry words and the ear she once sent me in blue velvet box (which is why she wears her hair long).

But other than that, some days it's my lonely violin against the hum of one cricket.

That cricket would be my sister.

Anyway, after having a third baby and almost immediately losing my readership due to said baby's favorite pastime of running with scissors and tossing himself down flights of stairs and my necessarily needing to be on call at all times to pry scissors from his tiny Cheeto-encrusted hands, I find that I now have a newfound freedom to be just really wacky-assed on my blog. I had sort of slipped into the Mommy Blog thang - and that's a whole fun genre to be sure, and the material is endless! (Until my oldest daughter gets her own computer and begins trolling my blog with anonymous comments dissing my poor sentence structure and telling eye-rolling tales about how I try to sing like Amy Winehouse in the shower.)

But I suppose I do begin censoring myself a bit. Why? I'm not sure. I mean, I read the other Mommy Blogs and, seriously, some of all y'all are twisted tighter than velcro pantyhose in a dryer. I mean that in the best way possible. Yous guys are nuts in your own endearing ways andI worship at your thrones built of pixels, Play-doh and martini glasses.

And I guess that even though I know that we were all once Not Moms and have our own stories of table dancing at lesbian rugby parties and shooting out ex-boyfriend's truck windows with a b.b. gun and dressing like jesters at Grateful Dead shows...

Oh what? It's not like I ever stole a horse like someone I could mention who happens to share my gene pool.

I don't know...I meet "real life" moms and they all seem so n.o.r.m.a.l and proficient at this Mom thing what with their hair-dos that are something more than a ponytail or a baseball cap, and their blouses that don't have odd light-brown stains on them just around the belly button like all mine do, and their secret knowledge of "how to get the floor mopped more than once a month" and, well, I'm not going out of my way to use my blog as a convincing argument that I should win Mother of the Year, but yeah, sure...I want to come across as...well...


At least.

I mean, it doesn't take too many clicks to figure out who I am and where I live, and for gol's sake, I'm a Girl Scout Leader! A pillar of the community! I have to be careful, right? Okay, Halushki isn't threatening to steal Dooce's readership - epsecially not now - nor am I a household name in my neighborhood as "That Woman With The Blog Oh My Gol You've Got To Read Her".

But still.

I was holding my freak back a bit.

(I have to interrupt here to report that my husband just handed me a glass of teaberry wine and it's very sweet and minty and I'm not such a wine snob that I'll lie and say I'm not enjoying it because, well, I am. It's disgusting and I'll probably drink the entire bottle because it's so good.)

Anyway, look-it here....

I posted below about poop. Okay. No biggie. A little juvenile sure. My husband told me to grow up. But I'm rubber and he's glue and what he says bounces of me and sticks to him.

Then I found this other potty video that I thought was absolutely side-splittingly genius comedy and I wanted to share it with...well, with whoever...because it's genius that must be shared even if it is oh-so-very-wrong.

But then I began to question whether someone I know might Google me and find this post and then I wouldn't pass future background checks and I'd get kicked out of Girl Scouts for posting a video that shows an animated tiger-boy penis and then my children and I would be shunned at the playground should the neighborhood moms find out that I laughed at the little kid singing filthy rap lyrics while sitting on a potty.

Although, you know what?

No one is going to Google me and find this post.

And really, not too, too many other people are looking right now, anyway.

And what the hell, if getting kicked out of Girl Scouts is the worst thing that happens to me, I'm doing all right.

I can't stand all the permission slips and paperwork anyway.

So here it is...Nazi bathroom humor and animated tiger-boy penises. I think this video is funy as hell. If it clears the room, I'll just dance on the table naked.

And here's another.

Why am I watching Japanimation toilet training videos?

Who can say?

Is Mercury out of retrograde yet?

More importantly, where's that bottle of teaberry wine?


karengreeners said...

Um, that was probably me at the Dead show...

I'll read everytime you post, don't care how often because you have THREE children, and btw, there are no 'normal' mothers on my bloglines. don't like 'em. And poop videos make me laugh.

so there.

Julie Pippert said...

I meant to mention that my rates are going up. And if you expect the same quality of comments for the higher price, you have another thing coming.

I mean after all, you live in the USA, missy, where you can expect to pay more for less, no matter what those Target ads say.


Life is easy for me because I have Google Reader. Apparently this isn't new technology and everyone except me knew about it. But you are in it and there you will stay. :)

Now let that flag fly high.

I'm not sure about the velcro pantyhose twisted up in a dryer. I mean I admit I'm a total fruitloop, and wow, even publicly confessed to being someone's bad day. But on the whole I typically manage to get through it all pretty well. Even if I don't give myself credit.

Then again, I'm not quite a mommyblogger. I failed Her Bad Mother's test.

And my blog has been found. Not that hard, I use my own real name on it. My mom's co-op knows, the Daisy troop knows, the whole neighborhood knows.

And here's the real kick in the pants: all that anxiety about "what if people I know find me?" was for NAUGHT. They really do not care, not at all. Not even enough to read my blog daily and spy on my inner thinkings. Except for a few, and my sister.


So does this mean my reader will see more of you now?

Using My Words

Becky said...

Alright, you kill me. And so do the toilet training videos, however COMPLETELY messed up they may be. :) I'm not sure I'll be able to look at a tiger the same way now... or David Suzuki, but I'm willing to live with that.

So please - no toning it down necessary. :)

And hairstyles are SO overrated.

josetteplank.com said...

lol...well there is that....

My inner thinking might just not be as compelling as I seem to think it is. That would be my moon in Leo thinking that.

I have been found out by a few people. And most of my relatives read my blog, except for my mother, but I have nothing untoward to say about her anyway.


However, the Girl Scout council around here recently inserted a large stick up their own rear-end, so I have paused of late as to whether or not to post any thougths that are less than lace-hemmed and sanitized in regard to children in general. We'll see.

(Your check in in the mail.)

Anonymous said...


I read you religiously when you post. I don't always wander over and comment, but you come through Bloglines nice and clear and hilariously.

So there.

And, frankly, anyone who can blog at all with 3 kids is impressive to me. To have 3 kids, blog, and blog hilariously??? Whoa.

You know you have 34 subscribers in Bloglines? That's a bunch of folks.

josetteplank.com said...

"You know you have 34 subscribers in Bloglines? That's a bunch of folks."

Now I'm embarrassed.

I promise, I'm not as pathetic as I think I ended up sounding. Seriously....Mercury in retrograde.

And thank you, thank you to everyone who has me on their readers and blogline subscriptions. I will endeavor to continue earn your reading time.

And the Girl Scout Council can bite me.

Chris said...

I'm still hear but rarely comment because I'm slack.

My wife just decided to be a Daisy Scout leader (first meeting is tonight). I'm not quite sure what she's gotten herself into.

josetteplank.com said...

Oh, Girl Scouting is wonderful and I recommend it highly to any adult who wants to be a leader and any girl who wants to participate.

I'm saying that without cold butter in my mouth, btw.

That said, the amount of cover-your-butt paperwork involved is an insult to most people's common sense, and I also recommend that each troop assign one parent to be a secretary (in the most mundane paper-wonk meaning of the word), or skip the paperwork and just put their own lawyer on retainer.

Anonymous said...

I can't remember my login, man getting old sucks or the kids sucked out my last brain cell with that last bout of "he touched me fiiiiiirst", but I digress. Do you think little tiger needed therapy after that potty training episode. That one shot pained me, I think his mom needs to give him a little more fiber. ;) I'm guessing mom and dad are going pay for some hefty couch surfing. -kkdanos

josetteplank.com said...

You know, it seems there's a whole series of those Pants Pankuro videos; sort of Schoolhouse Rock except for potty training...which is actually a pretty smart idea. But I noticed a lot of the times the potty-er is straining...not enough fiber all around?

S said...

I'm still laughing at picturing myself as Cathy. Or am I Heathcliff?

Julie Marsh said...

Jozet, I'm not going anywhere. I've got to stick by my favorite moms of three in hope that you'll all return the favor when I join your ranks.

Poop is extremely funny. At least all of my friends think so, and that's all that counts.

anne said...

Hm...you had to mention the horse.

You know, I think they can still hang me for that.

Anyway, fly that Freak Flag proud and high! Sing those poop songs! Burn furniture in your yard!

Btw - Hannah just wore the jester costume for the Halloween parade. Hee.

Debbie said...

you overcomplimenter, you.

pass the mulberry wine, will ya? ain't no wine snobs 'round these parts.

and thank JESUS AND praise the salt that you are posting more than never again.

(I think all the praying to the saints I've been doing has finally wrought its miracle. am I ever relieved. I thought maybe my praying machine was broken.)

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