NaBloPoMoDay 12: Random Notes

Scene: Dining room table. MAN and WOMAN are eating dinner. Both have salmon and Brussels sprouts on their plates. BABY is walking around the table, occasionally reaching up to try to grab food off the plates.


MAN: Baby, you had your dinner already. Let Mommy and Daddy eat in peace.

BABY: Uh! Uh! Uh! Ba-Ba-Ba! Uh-Uh!

WOMAN: He wants some food.

MAN: I know he wants some food. He wants MY food.

WOMAN: I guess he's still hungry.

MAN: Well, he should have thought of that before he threw all his salmon on the floor and then screamed like an air raid siren until we took him out of the high chair.

BABY: (reaching up to MAN's plate) BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

WOMAN: What do you want, Baby? Are you still hungry?

BABY: (throwing himself down onto floor and writhing with hands outstretched toward MAN's plate) UH! UH! UH! UH! BA! BA! BA! BA! BA! BA! UUUUHHHH! UUUUHHHHH! UHHHHHH! BAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAA!

MAN: (with plaintive wonderment) I haven't eaten a meal in peace in the last ten years. There's always something. Someone crying because they don't want to eat. Someone crying because they want to eat. Someone crying because she wants to eat what's on her sister's plate even though the same exact thing is on her own plate. Someone who needs milk. Someone who just spilled his milk. Someone who just had milk come out her nose. Will this ever end? Will I ever be able to just sit down and eat an uneventful meal from beginning to end?

WOMAN: (sotto voce) At least you get to eat lunch out by yourself at work.

MAN: What?

WOMAN: I said, "Please, pass me a sweet bunch o' spouts, go on with your...bad...self....at...jerk..."

MAN:

BABY: BA! BA! BA! BA! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

WOMAN: I think he wants one of your Brussels sprouts.

MAN: Well they are mine. He can't have one. Here, Baby, have one from the serving dish.

BABY: NUH! NUH! NUH! NUH! NUH! NUH! NUUUUH!!

WOMAN: He wants one off your plate.

MAN: No.

BABY: BA! BA! BA! DA! DA! DA! NNNNNNNUUUUHHHH!!!!

MAN: No, Baby. Get your own plate.

BABY: BA! BA! NUHHHHHHHAHHHAAA! BA! BA!

WOMAN: I'm going to have to overrule, here. The child wants a Brussels sprout. A Brussels sprout. Can you not appreciate the magnitude of that request? The more important precedent being set over that of giving in to his yelling? None of our other children will allow a healthy green vegetable in the same room that they are in! THIS CHILD WANTS TO EAT A BRUSSELS SPROUT! Please, for Dr. Spock's sake, give the kid the HEALTHY GREEN VEGETABLE TO EAT! Now! Now! NOW!

BABY: BAAAH! WAAAAAAAH! NUUUUUU!

MAN: (quietly fuming, takes a Brussels sprout from his plate and hands it to BABY) Here.

BABY: (grabs Brussels sprout and stuffs it into his mouth) Boompa!

MAN:

WOMAN:

After a few chews, BABY takes the mauled Brussels sprout out of his mouth and plops it back onto MAN's plate.

BABY: Dak-dak.

WOMAN: You're welcome, Baby.


BABY EXITS.


MAN: (staring dolefully at half-eaten Brussels sprout on his plate) Being a parent is just a continuous and sustained erosion of one's dignity. Isn't it.

WOMAN: I'm glad we're all finally on the same page.


Sounds of screaming and milk spilling in next room.

FIN!

10 comments:

slouching mom said...

THIS IS FANTASTIC!

Can we take it to Broadway? Whaddya think?

Your husband's lament in the middle there was just so sadly true.

mothergoosemouse said...

Still laughing. Still crying.

Will come back and reread tomorrow and throughout this week as needed.

Julie Pippert said...

Ha hahahahahahahahahaha

(Hey take a time trip back to Sunday at my blog.)

Julie
Using My Words

Magpie said...

Can I send this post to my husband?

Mrs. Chicky said...

Ha! Sad and funny all at the same time.

Shawn said...

This is great! I thought I wrote it for a second ... then I woke up and brushed off the chewed apple that's been sitting on my shirt for days now. : )

daysgoby said...

Oh, this is so true. And my baby's three, and there's NO END in sight....

wordgirl said...

Is it wrong that I'm surprised because a baby asks for Brussel Sprouts? Even I wouldn't do this.

b*babbler said...

(wandered here via mothergoosemouse)

Heh. Oh the dad's lament. I admit your response was much more measured than mine. I quite possibly would have smacked him upside the head.

Jozet at Halushki said...

"I quite possibly would have smacked him upside the head."

Well, to be fair, each of us has our own hills we're willing or not willing to die on when it comes to parenting.

I'm more of a stickler about clean rooms and I'm unbending when it comes to insisting that the kids have shoes and socks on before eating breakfast. I know...but trust me, I have my good reasons for that last rule.

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