NaBloPoMoDay 15: Question From My Sister

I'd just like to first point out that we are at the NaBloPoMo halfway mark. We've made it to the summit, and now it's time to come back down again without getting snowbound and frostbitten and losing a foot and then having to eat it.

I don't intend to speak for the higher-ups in the NaBloPoMo chain of command, but I think can guess with 100% confidence that NaBloPoMo was not meant to be about cannibalism, even in a tight spot.

What is NaBloPoMo supposed to achieve other than the achievement for its own sake, and a nifty badge?

Holy moly, I'm just too tired to even think about it and formulate an answer. And on that note....

Question From My Sister

If you could pick one genetic trait to get rid of, what would it be?

Also along that line, if you could pick one to have that you didn't get, what would it be?

I don't even have to think hard about this one. Which is good. Because my thinker is all thunk out right now. I was helping Prima with third grade math, and I'll tell you what: there is a reason that they give you third grade math when you are eight years old. That reason being you haven't yet killed off so many brain cells with coffee and television and bouncy rides in the back of pick-up trucks and Grateful Dead concerts.

I'm just not as sharp as I used to be. Or maybe it's because I just couldn't care less about the speed of airplanes and comparative distances over different times spans. I just don't want to miss my connecting flight. I also don't want to have to take my shoes off to check for bombs, but that's an entirely different math problem that's figured by rounding off the number of toes per foot, making allowances for the square root of the number of toes lost to frostbite.

(You like how I brought the callback around for the punchline? That's Funny 102. I'm auditing that class right now.)

So, the answer to the first question: I want to get rid of my genetic bad vision.

I'd like to have 20/20 vision without corrective lenses and without $5,000 surgery.

My mother and father had perfect vision until they needed reading glasses.

Plenty of my cousins have perfect vision.

I do not.

I got my first pair of large, blue plastic-framed glasses in 3rd grade.

Without my glasses, I would not be able to read this screen.

Without my contact lenses, I wouldn't be able to find my glasses.

I don't think I'm legally blind, but I am legally dangerous without my glasses.

Coffee tables and doorways tremble at the mention of my name.

So that's that. I want to get rid of the "bad eyesight" gene.

The answer to the second part of the question is sort of the flip-flop of the first part: I want perfect vision.

I don't want to worry about stockpiling contact lenses in case of Armageddon.

In case of shipwreck and marooning on a previously deserted island, I don't want to be the first person eaten because I happened to stumble into a tree snare or a pit filled with sharpened bamboo stakes.

Most of all, I don't want to pay $100 a pop for eye exams, $200 for contacts, and I don't know how much for glasses. I haven't bought new glasses for three years. All I know is that they cost a bunch. Sure, Vision Center will say $79 frames, but because my lenses are five inches thick and weigh ten pounds per lens, I need lenses made of the special super-lightweight plastic first invented by virgin MIT students for use in some prank which involved a fake bowling ball dropping into a Harvard law student's lap. Those guys are all millionaires now, by the way. Thanks to my glasses.

Anway, those are my answers.

And now, I'm going to go watch a movie with my husband.

This NaBloPoMo thing has been tough on him.

Because with me using all my spare time writing, the one thing he hasn't been getting is any NaBloPoMo. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

Not even by tempting me with Frangelico.


Blog Antagonist said...

Get the surgery. It's really not a big deal (despite my totally making it into a big deal) and I wish I had done it years ago. Laughing at your descriptions because I was that blind too. But for one whole year now I have been gloriously free of lasses/contacts and even if I lost my eyesight tomorrow, it will have been worth it. Seriously. said...

I was considering the surgery. But then I got pregnant and was told that they couldn't do the surgery on pregnant eyeballs.

So now, we'll see. Right now we need a new roof. Then, maybe, new eyes.

anne said...

I was trying to help daughter with calculus the other day.

It didn't go well. After drawing the picture for the problem I was all "" I couldn't even figure out how to clear her calculator. I tried to do some simple thing and it said

I swear. It did.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I feel your pain. I too have had glasses since 3rd grade. And I swear, without glasses or contacts, I should be considered legally blind. I had to buy a different alarm clock with HUGE numbers so I could see what the damn time was.

I would love to get Lasik and not have to shell out money every year for contacts and glasses and solution. But the fear of being totally blind keeps me from doing it. Contacts and glasses outranks being blind every time.

BOSSY said...

A world without having to wear glasses or contacts. Sounds compelling, but surely there isn't such a place.

mamatulip said...

It'd be a tough call between my shitass vision and my goddamn bunion, but I think I'd go with the vision. I've seriously considered the surgery but I am way, way too chickenshit. My best friend's husband had it done and he said it was fine except for the fact that he could smell his eyeballs burning, and well, that did it for me. said...

Yes, my husband said the same thing about the smell.

I'll never forget the time my dentist had to burn away part of my gumline to put on a cap.

That was...I...I still...

I just can't talk about it anymore.

- said...

As Mme. Halushki will confirm, I am a big wuss about any kind of medical procedure, and I am NOT looking forward to the many painful and expensive sessions with my periodontist I have scheduled over the next two months. But, just to clarify, LASIK was painless, although there was some... discomfort and residual soreness. The burning eyeball smell didn't really bother me; I just thought it was cool. In fact, the whole procedure was cool. And all in all, it was way worth it. I highly recommend it. said...

Dear Michale Plank,

But what if I go blind?

Will you still love me like you used to do?

Will you allow a seeing eye dog in the house?

Will you type my blog posts as I dictate them to you and not get all fussy about my bad grammar?

Huh?! Huh?! Huh?!


Your googly-eyed wife said...

See, I spelled your name wrong just thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I started wearing glasses when I was three and I looked like a hoot owl.

Hoot owls in middle school do NOT get asked out by the cool boys.

Julie Marsh said...

What Mama T said. Scared shitless of LASIK, disinclined to pony up the $$, and long accustomed to the contacts.

So, on a slight downer note, I'd trade in the whole depression charade for a mind that works just fine sans meds.

Mary Alice said...

I would adore LASIK, what heaven not to half to fubble on the nightstand for glasses so you can see your way to the kitchen in the morning without tripping over the dog. Anyway, so far there have always been more important things to spend the money on. You know braces times two, millions of cleats, a car that runs....sigh. said...

Yes, I think that braces are going to have to trump LASIK for now. I have one kid that will definitely need braces. And so far, no one I know is going to school to be an orthodontist.

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