NaBloPoMoDay 9: Geek Of The Week

I have to ditto what my Seestor said about the fact that for once in my life, I've lived an entire week without another human pissing me off. Or, at least, not so much that he or she immediately sprang to mind as a shoe-in for Geek of the Week.

However, I have faith in humanity. I'm sure that someone will twist my panties in a knot by next Sunday.

Although, come to think of it, ever since I've been taking a small medicinal of Frangelico each evening, life has suddenly been going so much smooooother. Maybe Frangelico is the anti-Geek antidote?

(By the way, I realize that we are stretching the term "geek" a bit beyond its common definition of "nerd" and all nerdish, geeky connotations. However, Shitforbrains of the Week just didn't have the same ring to it.)

Nonetheless, after careful thought, I have arrived at my nomination for Geek of the Week.

Drumroll please.

The Geek of the Week is....

The Mandolin.

No, no, no. Not that mandolin.

(Although, she'd better watch that nipple so close to those taut strings.)

THIS mandolin.

This most evil and bloodthristy of all the kitchen appliances.

This mandolin what ate my finger.

Bit a piece of it right off.

There I am, slicing yams real fine like, you know, to make yam chips. Why was I making yam chips? Well because there was a sale on yams. Lots of yams for just a few dollars. What I didn’t know was that at the same exact moment I was loading the trunk of my minivan with yams and lading the overhead rack with more yams, another entire truckload of yams was being dropped off at my front door by way of the local organic farm.

It’s a long story.

The protagonist being my finger, the MacGuffin being the yams, and evil villain being the mandolin.

Anyway, I was now stuck with a shiteload of yams, and having eaten our fill of yam pie and yams a la mode and yams fricassee, I was attempting to find one more appetizing use for yams. Thus, the yam chips.

Thus the razor-sharp mandolin slicing thing.

Thus the piece of my finger missing after the mandolin leapt up and ate it whilst I was trying to feed it yams.

You want to see a picture of my boo-boo?

No. You don't. Trust me.

There was a lot of blood (Yams Tartare).

And one moment when I felt quite faint.

In the end, though, I got the bleeding under control and regained my composure. Although, I almost immediately lost it again when I was cleaning off the miserable mandolin, and a hunk of my skin fell out of the grater.

Anyway, the mandolin slicer gets my vote.

And the mandolin carnage was absolutely not due to operator error. Let's stop that rumor right here and now.


Okay. Nine days of NaBloPoMo done.

Tomorrow is the Ugly Sister Smackdown and Sunday is the day to Ask The Ugly Sisters anything, but anything. Send us your questions at We need questions. Bueller? Bueller?


anne said...


I could FEEL that as I read it.

Poo on the mandolin!

Julie Pippert said...

This? This is exactly why I do not cut anything in the kitchen. We decided buying presliced vegetables for me was cheaper than the plethora of ER visits.

Hope you are all healed.

And BTW, things bought off the TV are usually a disappointment in my experience.

And ? for the Ugly Seestors: Should you ever Google search people you used to know after getting a mild anxiety attack after writing a blog post? And if you do, and feel slowly but surely a big L popping out on your forehead when you find them, what should you do? Moreover, if your own sister is funny and even started a blog but keeps forgetting to write in it, what do you do? Start your own Wyrd Sisters competition?

Using My Words

S said...

And now I feel faint.

Julie Marsh said...

I have been very tempted to purchase one of those mandolin thingamabobs, and I'm now quite glad that I haven't. I'll stick to cutting toward myself with dull knives - I've mastered that method.

Anonymous said...

What is it about saying "seestor" or "seester" that is so much more satisfying than simply saying "sister"? I don't know. But I love it, and do it, too.

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