Random Bluh Bluh Bluh

I am drinking wine and I am very toasty. I am not even going to use correct punctuation I am so toasty. Hurrah!

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Jaden of Steamy Kitchen is an evil temptress of butter and saffron vixen of sour cherries and Persian decadence basmati rice warm and soft and syrupy sweet like mouth-watering tongue love laid back on velvet pillows seeped in clouds of frankincense and myrrh with hazy walnut-deep brushed copper man-boy spooning mouthfuls of sex-caviar into my mouth.

Here is the recipe for sex-caviar.

When I'm on death row for killing men softly with Jaden's drop-dead luscious recipes, Persian Sour Cherry Saffron Rice will be my last meal.



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Mother: What are you doing right now?

8yo Daughter: We're playing "hospital".

Mother: You and your sister?

8yo Daughter: Yes. And the baby. He's playing, too.

Mother: Is the baby a patient or a doctor?

8yo Daughter: No. He's the terrorist.

Mother: The terrorist?

8yo Daughter: Like on the NPR news.

Mother: Have I ruined your childhood by listening to NPR in the morning?

8yo Daughter: No.

Mother: Are you sure?

8yo Daughter: Yeah, I'm sure. I'm still pretty happy being a kid.

Mother: Oh good.


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So, I'm on a field trip with my Brownie Girl Scout Troop, and we're visiting a local bank.

Why we're visiting a local bank is because we're earning our Penny Power badge, and to earn your Penny Power badge you're supposed to visit a bank and ask about counterfeit money and learn how to recognize counterfeit money, and what to do if you should happen upon some counterfeit money. But they never tell you the oh-so-important fact of how to make quality counterfeit money - not that I would do such a thing, but, really, it would make for a super Girl Scout craft and even maybe a neato SWAP, I think.

So we go to the bank - all 18 of us - and we meet with the very lovely Ms. Bank Teller, and she shows us how to write a check and how write a deposit slip and she teaches us a mnemonic to remember what president is on what bill, and then she says

"And the place where we keep all money is the vault. Now normally, only bank employees are allowed in the vault. People who don't work in the bank are not allowed in the vault under any circumstances.

However, today, we're going to make an exception.

Today, I'm going to bring all of you into the vault to see where we keep all the money!"


And all I can think is


I'm calling Hollywood with the pitch for Ocean's 14.

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Husband: I am very observant.

Wife: Oh yeah?

Husband: Yes. I am more observant than most people.

Wife: Huh.

Husband: Yup. I notice things - details, subtleties - that other people don't pick-up on.

Wife: Is that right?

Husband: Yessir. That's me. Attentive. Perceptive. Eagle-eyed.

Wife: Huh.

Husband: Yup.



Wife: So what color are my eyes?

Husband: 34C


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7 comments:

Mrs. G. said...

Ha! My kids groan when they hear the All Things Considered theme song.

anne said...

My kids used to think it a great funny to prank call people, ring wind chimes and say "You're listening to Echoes with John Diliberto" and then hang up. They thought this was perfectly normal prank call behavior. I guess for NPR kids it is.

So terrorist at the hospital ... I don't think you have to worry.

And your husband thinks HE'S observant?

You should have told him your eyes haven't been 34C since you've been pregnant.

Blog Antagonist said...

That is my FAVORITE Persian rice dish. I could (and do) eat multiple bowls full of it. It makes the absolute best tadiq as well.

Mary-LUE said...

Random funny hah hah!

That last bit with your husband reminds me of a You Tube clip from The Catherine Tate show. Your husband is a proud speciman of the male species (or not, depending on how funny you that that 34C comment was!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVnjgRJPzTY

Happy Holidays!

Professor J said...

I don't think you've ruined your kids. After all, you could be listening to Fox News. I'm just sayin.

Melanie said...

Please be sure to include your Clooney Scout illustration with your pitch. Blow it up big, put it on an easel, and refer the executives to it often, gesturing with a laser pointer. Remember to use the phrase "box office gold."

And on a separate note: When I was little, my best friend's mother listened to NPR on the kitchen radio all the time, and my first grade self often thought: Just what is "Fresh Air" and why do adults love something so incredibly boooooring? It built character, though. And a life-long love of the soothing, dulcet tones of Terry Gross.

we_be_toys said...

So funny! I'm so glad you're back and blogging - I missed you! Hope you had a great holiday.

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