Hemalayaa Is Trying To Kill Me


Hemalayaa wants me to be sexy.

Hemalayaa wants me to stand up and pulse my hips up and down and up and down and up and down and she keeps calling it a "relaxation move" but I have never before in my life relaxed and sweated and wept at the same time. Except between labor contractions.

Hemalayaa wants me to burn and she keeps laughing and giggling and she makes me jump from side to side, side to side, side to side and then lunge, lunge, lunge, and all in time to a watered-down Bhangra that sounds like a Punjabi wedding trapped in the white bread aisle of a grocery store.

Hemalayaa says, "Now lunge-hop-spin-waltz-step-spin-lunge-SMILE AND GET SEXY!" but I can't, Hemalayaa, I can't be sexy and shake my shoulders and bobble-wobble my head and get my "praise hands" going, I just can't.

Around my house, "sexy" is changing into my comfy pants and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia and stretching back on the sofa to leave just a hint of belly hang over the top of my waistband, looking for all the world like a warm, white slug. Me and my belly both.

Your kind of sexy hurts.

You are hurting me.

You are making me do things and my heart and lungs are complaining.

Your kind of sexy is a lot like...exercise.


My husband and I are getting old.

We like the kind of sexy where you get to sit down and have a few beers.

And a nap.

Where's the scene in the Bollywood movie where all the sexy people sit around and eat great curry and sing in impossibly soprano voices about taking a nap?

I want that workout video.


Please bear with me on the ad clickthrough hyperlink text. I'm experimenting with some stuff here for my soon-to-be other blog. Most all the selly-selly stuff will be switched over there in a few weeks.

32 comments:

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Theresa said...

I would love to get my hips to do what these girls do, but somehow they don't seem to listen to my brain. It must be a genetic thing, either you have the hippy-hippy-shake gene or you don't, and it seems I don't. :(

Blog Antagonist said...

Snort. I tried one of those belly dance videos once. It gave me a massive side stitch. I'll stick with my WATP. But I think I like your kind of sexy even better.

Shawn said...

LOL -- great post! Too funny. I'm picturing you trying it, though. I love videos for the mere fact that I can try them and put them away and never have to feel an ounce of guilt, unlike a gym membership.

slouching mom said...

"a warm, white slug"

LOL!

annenahm said...

rawr! I can get behind that video.

mamatulip said...

Your sexy and my sexy are the same kind of sexy.

One morning Julia woke up early and came downstairs to the den. She turned the TV on and one of those buttcrack-of-dawn workout shows was on. By the time she came back upstairs I was in the shower and she burst in to the bathroom and began telling me about the show: "Mummy! I turned on the television and there were ladies in little outfits jumping around and counting and smiling! What were they DOING?"

islaygirl said...

CRYING. in fact, i'm crying so hard my sluglike belly is jiggling. seeexxxxy

islaygirl said...

i should have clarified, CRYING with LAUGHTER.

painted maypole said...

i don't think you need an actual video for that. ;) it's just called reruns, right? and that's all that's on TV these days anyways, so you're all set.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Hanging out at home with the Tivo is way sexier than shaking your hips in a club!

Jozet at Halushki said...

PM -

I'm curious as to exactly what is on daytime television. We haven't had cable TV in three years, and we're getting basic cable today as a trial run for - I'm told - baseball season.

I'm hoping that there's some good morning exercise television. That I can sit and watch. With my latte.

Professor J said...

I like to have a few beers and a nap, too. I had no idea it was sexy, though. Cool.

anne said...

Hee. I always thought about getting one of those videos but ... well there's the feeling of having to actually DO it. Maybe someday.

But DAMN! beer is sexy.

Ok, and is that first comment just spam or are you going all "I think I have mesothelioma cancer!" on me?

Jozet at Halushki said...

Yes, the first comment is spam.

But the "Hi" and "kindly" were so polite, I just let it go.

And of course beer and napping are sexy! Good lord, Homer Simpson is like a porn star in our house.

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Bad Hemalayaa! Bad! Good Ben and Jerry! Good!

Funny stuff! Im just not coordinated enough for videos- I have to stick to the treadmill. I can handle basic walking - sort of.

cinnamon gurl said...

That's my kind of sexy too (I mean the curry, beer and napping kind not the video kind).

Mrs. Chicky said...

I prefer the ice cream eating kind of sexy myself as well. I don't like pain. Pain is not sexy.

Bastet said...

I think I would be giggling through that...getting a side stitch from my laughter. Then resume on the couch with my B&J's -- guilt free! LOL

Jess Riley said...

I laughed out loud at the kind of sexy you and your husband like.

I toast you with my sexy New Glarus Fat Squirrel. :)

ewe are here said...

heh heh

I just want a personal trainer to whip my butt into shape with minimal effort, a personal trainer preferably of the male persuasion and of scandinavian descent.

We can go for beer after our workouts.

Is that so wrong?
;-)

we_be_toys said...

Girl, your kind of sexy is HOTT! Nothing says, "Take me now", like a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia.
Great minds.....!!

Kath said...

Can I borrow your video? I think my hubby and I would enjoy watching it together while we're eating our ice cream.

Anonymous said...

What? Does this mean you're not running the Hemalayaa Bollywood Burn competition at this summer's neighborhood picnic? I believe a board member volunteered you for this at our last meeting.

a beaverhausen said...

WTF is it with your first (Spam) comment? I love to exercise, but it needs to be wrapped like a burrito inside another kind of activity. Like hiking. Or running. Or...sex. (Afterwards? A beer and a nap)

lildb said...

dude, I'm MORE than happy to click through so you can you some dough-re-mi. please, PLEASE make it easy for me to do. I like easy.

(in fact, if you want *that* movie - uh, nevermind.)

Y said...

Wow!

Now I'm from India. I live in Mumbai. I watch the occasional Bollywood movie.

And I have NEVER heard of Hemalayaa??

This is interesting. This bears some research.

You're funny.

Mary Alice said...

Praise hands and sexy? I am sorry I have never seen those two phrases together in the same sentence before.

Peggy Sez.. said...

I thought everyone knew that beer bellies and belly dancing went hand and hand ..or belly.

;p

kgirl said...

You SLAY me! (surely that burns calories?)
I thought I wanted a video like Hemalayaa's, because I kind of think that I was a Bollywood princess in a former life, but I now think better of it.
Thank you.

Katie Alender said...

I tried a bellydance workout a few years ago. Somehow, in ten minutes of trying, I hurt myself so badly I could hardly walk. I gave the video to charity, but I felt like putting a warning note inside.

Anonymous said...

You should check out Hemalayaa's Dance of the Kama Sutra DVD - I think there are sections on both chugging Miller Lite and Cherry Garcia indulgence. Or maybe those were just my home videos...

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