First of all!
In searching for an appropriate graphic to accompany my Really Big Announcement, I found this super The Awezome…blog would you call it? Web site? Anywho, it’s called Natalie Dee and I’m just thinking her graphics are way neato. Even the really irreverent and vulgar ones. (But don’t tell my kids I said so.)
Why, there’s this one.
And this one.
And this one is me by 5:30 every Monday night.
Look at that! I just stumbled upon Natalie Dee, and I’m in love with her already. Unless “Natalie Dee” is the name of a group, in which case, I’m in love with them.
The Really Big Announcement!
Okay! Here it is!
“WIN A DATE WITH JOZET” CONTEST!
Okay, well first of all, it isn’t really a date because I’m already happily married, and I’m not an Osmond. And, also, you aren’t going to get to first base with me no matter how many margaritas you feed me, and I don’t care if you do arrive at the date wearing a Meatloaf mask and singing Paradise By The Dashboard Light, it just ain’t happening. So put that rumor to rest right now.
Second of all, if you’re an Internet ax murderer thinking that I’m a tasty morsel, or if you’re just a real weirdo thinking “Golly, but wouldn‘t it be fun to keep Madame Jozet locked in my basement and dressed up in a Hillary Clinton mask", well think again. 'Cause I know karate. And if you lock me in your basement, I'd actually probably enjoy the quiet time.
Anyway, at no time will we ever be alone together (in fact, at all times, we will be in very crowded, busy venues with security cameras and trained tigers) so if you're thinking that Madame Jozet just might be the bigger weirdo - and I might be - you'll be safe from me. You're also free to bring along your own chaperon and/or body guard and/or trained tiger.
I don't mind.
It's so rare that I get to feel dangerous. It's so exotic.
ANYWAY anyway, if you are also thinking
I want to meet Madame Jozet in Philadelphia on March 1 and go to Alayan’s on 4th Street for some mouth-watering schawarma*, down a pitcher of margarita’s** at CopaBanana***, and then head to the Electric Factory to get crazy with Gogol Bordello!!”
then this is the contest for you!
Now, I do understand that this contest is a bit geographically limited. (See Alternate Contest below if you’re out of spitting range or if you’re allergic to cheese steaks.)
I mean, I do suppose that there could be readers out there who are so ga-ga over the thought of sitting across from me and watching me chew shawarma with my mouth open that they’d book air travel to Philadelphia.
However, I’m not betting on it.
But! If you are within spitting distance of Philadelphia and you think that a night of food, drink, and crazy mad dancing for two hours straight with Yours Truly sounds like heck-a-fun, then pay attention, friend!
Actually, I haven’t thought this part through.
I was originally thinking of making the “Win A Date With Jozet” a charity auction, but how embarrassing would that be if the winner only bid two bits? I’d be the laughing stock at Angelina Jolie’s next cocktail party.
Then I was thinking of an essay contest…“Why I Want To Spend A Night With Madame Jozet!“ But then I’d have to grade all the essays, and my last red pen just ran out of ink.
A haiku contest crossed my mind…but that’s been so overdone.
How about this!
How about I let each contestant make up her/his own rules for the contest, and then enter according to those rules?
That’s like so post-post-post-modern it may not even exist as a concept or philosophy, yet!
So, for example, you might want to enter the contest by submitting a photo of your ugliest shirt, and then threaten to wear that shirt on the date!
OR! OR! You might want to write a list of word associations beginning with “Halushki”!
OR! Maybe you do want to write an essay entitled “Most Unique” and then try not to use the words “butter” or “onions” in that essay. Not as easy as it sounds, let me tell you!
It’s the Anarchy Contest!
Anyway, you can submit your entry in one of several ways:
1. Post your entry in the comments, or
2. Post your entry in your blog and let me know the link, or
3. Email your entry to yonkogirl808 @ yahoo . com (except leave out all those spaces.)
Contest is open to everyone****! just everyone*****! including family and friends who really know me. Although, can anyone say that they really, really know me?
CONTEST DEADLINE: Sunday, February 10 at 3:37 PM EST Winner will be chosen by random drawing of all entries. That means that I’m going to put everyone’s name in a hat and have the baby pick one name.
And, just because I don’t want to leave anyone out…
ALTERNATE CONTEST NUMBER ONE
Same non-rules as above, but the winner receives a brand new, unopened, highly sought after box of THIN MINT GIRL SCOUT COOKIES signed by Yours Truly. And yes, I will ship worldwide. (I’m guessing that I’m allowed to ship cookies worldwide? As long as they aren‘t wrapped in hemp or Japanese beetles?) Although, I can’t promise that some postal worker in Labrador won’t open the box and eat them. Thin Mints are that good.
Same entry guidelines and deadlines.
ALTERNATE “DATE WITH JOZET”
If you were already thinking of buying your own ticket to see Gogol Bordello at The Electric Factory any which way, and you want to get together for shawarma and or booze and or just dancing, let me know! I mean, if you want to meet up with me. If not…uh…I suppose I understand that, too. I tend to mooch money for beers. Otherwise, the more the merrier!
I still might do a charity auction.
Or, rather, charity blackmail.
Someone - who shall remain nameless **cough cough** Kenny **cough cough** -
someone had a bit too much nectar of the Gopher Gods at the Boilo Party and ended the night with a little booty boogie with his doopa (i.e. “backside” or “buttocks“) hanging out in the altogether.
It wasn’t pretty.
But it was pretty hairy.
And I thought that I could take bids to either show the bare booty photo online, or counter bids to not show the photo online.
Right now, I’m blackmailing someone **cough cough** Kenny **cough cough** into purchasing a case of Thin Mints to not show the photo. We’ll see if “someone” comes through. I need to sell a lot of Thin Mints because Girl Scout camp is getting expensive.
So! There it is!
Have fun, enter soon and be creative. Or not. No points deducted for being lame. Or added for being extra cute.
And if I don’t get any entries at all, well in that case I’ll just have to bring along my husband (who does not want to see Gogol Bordello, but who I can bribe with Thin Mints) and think of a better prize next time.
Like a tour of my refrigerator. Or a pair of socks.
* Or cheese steaks. Or meal of your choice.
** Or rootbeer floats. Or milk. Or drink of your choice.
*** At establishment of your choice
****ax murderers not included
*****Mitt Romney not included