We join our couple's heated discussion already in progress.
Dear Husband: ...and furthermore! Let me tell you again how much it really drives me nuts when you leave the car radio turned on and cranked up so that when I get in the car and start the engine, I'm greeted by All Things Considered blaring at 120 decibels! I don't know which is worse: simply being bored to death by a monotone NPR announcer or my ears bleeding while I'm being bored to death by a monotone NPR announcer.
Dear Wife: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Well...well...uh... your hat is funny looking!
Dear Husband: What...? I'm not even wearing a hat!
Dear Wife: Okay then, what about all those times that I did turn off the radio, huh? Oh yeah, forgot about those times, didn'tchya! All those times that I was juggling a baby and a bag of groceries and a chainsaw and I still went back to the car and turned off the radio because I remembered how much my dearly beloved hated the radio playing as soon as he started the car! What about all those times that I did remember to turn off the radio? Do I ever get a "Thank you, Toots!" or a "Gee whiz, you're one considerate broad"? Oh no! (Pointing finger in the air for emphasis.) I only ever hear about the times that I forgot to turn off stinking NPR host Robert Siegel!
Dear Husband: So basically you want me to thank you for all those times that Robert Siegel didn't shove a pointy stick in my ear.
Dear Wife: Oh, someone's going to shove a pointy stick somewhere, that's for sure, buster.
Dear Husband: Well, harrumph!
Dear Wife: Well, harrumphdy-harrumph!
How To Argue With Dignity and Respectfulness
Two weeks later and after mutual agreement to rise above the petty squabbling, wife gets a phone call while at work.
Dear Wife: Hello?
Dear Husband: Why hello, Dear Wife!
Dear Wife: Why hello, Dear Husband! Howsoever can I help thee?
Dear Husband: Well, methinks that you took my car keys to work with you.
Dear Wife: Why, I find that quite impossible to believe. Surely you are mistaken.
Dear Husband: No, I am ever so sorry, but I do believe this is a fact. Also, I do believe that you have taken your own keys with you to work as well.
Dear Wife: No, this just cannot be. I beg of thee to check the top desk drawer again. I am sure that you will find your car keys resting comfortably within.
Dear Husband: Done and done, and yet there are no keys, and what with me needing to drive our eldest child to a birthday party in fifteen minutes.
Dear Wife: You don't say.
Dear Husband: I do say.
Dear Wife: Hmmm. Well, in fact, I did just walk to the break room and have discovered that I am, in fact, in possession of both our sets of keys.
Dear Husband: Fancy that!
Dear Wife: Yes! Fancy that!
Dear Husband: Fancy, fancy that!
Dear Wife: I suppose that I can clock out momentarily and drive home to return your keys.
Dear Husband: That would be much appreciated! Thank you so much for your gracious return of my keys!
Dear Wife: You're welcome.
Dear Husband: That you took.
Dear Wife: Yes, yes...took accidentally.
Dear Husband: Oh, of course! Accidentally.
Dear Wife: Yes.
Dear Husband: And, moreover, thank you for all those other times that you remembered not to take my keys to work with you. I so do appreciate your previous consideration in this matter.
Dear Wife: You're welcome.
Dear Husband: Did I also ever thank you for all those times that you didn't accidentally hit me in the hand with a hammer? That was awfully copacetic of you.
Dear Wife: Okay, har-dee-har. I get it Mr. Funny Guy.
Dear Husband: At this time, I'd also like to thank you for all those times you didn't light my socks on fire...and the for all those times that you remembered not to...
Dear Wife: *click*
It's like Hepburn and Tracy around here, I tell ya.
Hepburn and Tracy.