Poem To A Mechanical Venus Fly Trap

The following poem is brought to you by Parent Bloggers Network and The Discovery Channel's motion activated Venus Flytrap.

Don't forget to scroll down to the previous post and play Liar Liar Pants On Fire!

I know...two posts in 24 hours. It's crazy creative time here at Chateau Halushki. Mostly, I'm just hopped-up on caffeine.

Poem To A Mechanical Venus Fly Trap

Oh, thing of nature, natural now no more!
The Carolinian bog you disavow;
the tannic waters gone, the smell of salt
now only beads of sweat upon my brow
as I struggle to release you
from this g*d-damned
clamshell packaging.

Oh travesty! Oh horticulture’s sin!
Your synthetic sprayed-red claws cannot aspire
to real-life crimson lobes like velvet lips,
twin labium carnivorous with desire
for bug flesh

and perhaps
that’s a good thing;
there’s only so much Georgia O’Keefe
I can explain in one afternoon.

No rhizome ‘neath your stem - No! Just a cage!
No sticky mucilage, just a trap door;
Your action triggered by three double-As,
A pool of sugar water is the lure.

We placed you in the sun near yellow mums,
near butterflies and bees in springtime’s dance;
we checked you every day for captured bugs,
but all you lured was seventy-thousand ants.

My kids think you are “neat”, I guess it’s true;
though do I need more Made In China stuff?
Especially when we could have captured ants
with cherry cola in a paper cup.

Oh, robot bug trap, worry not your fate!
The summer's long, I'll wager you'll catch bees,
and during winter surely you'll find worth:
you'll make an excellent conversation piece.


Okay, that was a little far out for a review.

Honestly, my kids - ages 6 and 9 - think the Venus Fly Trap is da bomb. And because I know that you're wondering, yes, they tried sticking their finger into it to see whether or not the Venus Flytrap would "eat" their finger. And okay, yeah, I tried it, too. The answer is, no, if you're a kid, you probably can't get your finger far enough into the contraption to make the trap close on it; but, yes, if you are an adult, you can get your finger far enough into the contraption to trip the trigger and make the trap close.

And no, it doesn't hurt.

I'm fairly sure that the batteries will outlast the novelty. It's a cute idea, but really now, back in the day, I caught a lot of bugs with a glass jar and my own ingenuity. And a few old lollipops. I'm not sure that I'd spend gas money on a mechanical Venus Fly Trap when glass jars are a dime a dozen.


Peggy Sez.. said...

YEA! More crap for your yard sale.


Blog Antagonist said...

Snort. That sounds like exactly the kind of crap my kids go nutso over.

Loved your poem. Very inspired.

MamaMo said...

Yes, that's Pavarotti! You should totally do the picture meme - I'd LOVE to see yours!!
p.s. good luck finding some khakis - my favorite (though they probably don't carry them anymore, 'cause they're not really stylish) - Old Navy painters paints... lots of pockets for holding stuff while camping.

Unknown said...

Nice gizmo. Matthew is constantly trying to nuture and care for the various caterpillars (read: gypsy moth larvae) that he finds in the yard. *sigh*

Debbie said...

damn, you're dreamy, man.

(my child is sobbing in the next room, uncontrollably, and has done, off and on, for the last two hours, so I'm kind of on edge and incapable of actual, coherent, albeit much-merited, responses to brilliant, mind-blowing writings from the likes of you, m'lady.)

I'll just say this: you're the bee's knees.

BOSSY said...

Roses are red, Violets are borrowed.
Venus Fly Traps remind Bossy of Little Shop of Horrors.

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