They Tried To Make Me Wear A Bikini, I Said No! No! No!

Top Ten Reasons Why I Will Not Wear A Bikini, Really, Never Ever

10. I gained 50 pounds with my last pregnancy.

9. I did not have a 50 pound baby.

8. Lasagna and ice cream, in that order; sometimes combined.

7. The glare from my white belly would blind pilots at 30,000 feet.

6. My breastfeeding toddler would think it's happy hour.

5. A large incision to remove a suspicious mole has left me with a 13-stitch Frankenstein-like scar across my stomach that makes teenage girls weep.


4. For a woman, I have surprisingly coarse and abundant hair. In fact, for a yak I'd have surprisingly coarse and abundant hair.

3. My bikini area sideburns do not look festive, even when braided and adorned with small bells.

2. I'd be breaking a township ordinance. I'm not sure which one, but they'd think of something. "Failure to tone in a toning zone" perhaps.

And the number one reason why I will not wear a bikini, really, never ever...


1. Bikini Rehab. They'd make me go.


37 comments:

Mrs. G. said...

I've seen several of these while blog cruising tonight, and your photos are the best. Meow.

p.s. Where is your crack pipe?

Moobs said...

Relax. Some of us prefer pale and hairy women - that's why I married a Scot.

Blog Antagonist said...

If Amy Winehouse can run around in a bra and hotpants, I think you could get away with a bikini. I think that's a look you totally pull off. Seriously.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Come now Jozet at Halushki. You're smoking.

Is is sexist to call you smoking?

I think you're very smart but sometimes smart women get all offended for merely "seeing" them through the smoking lense.

Dear 1000s Of Years Of Biology,
Stop making women look so hot. It's sexist. Your pal, BHJ

slouching mom said...

i think i have a crush on you.

Sarah said...

"3. My bikini area sideburns do not look festive, even when braided and adorned with small bells"

That is SO me!! *lol*

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You might not pass the Sex and the City bikini test but you look pretty damn good to me.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

Like Mrs. G said, all you need is a crack pipe and I think you got it.

I smell next year's Halloween costume!

kaliroz said...

This had me rolling.

Dr. Cason said...

I haven't given up my bikini yet. I keep thinking it will make me work out. But shockingly it doesn't. I just still keep reaching for the next Oreo. I guess that's why I'm what "Eat Pray Love" would call "fake thin".

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Way to work the eye liner! And, I think our belly buttons are of similar depth.

moo said...

The yak comment made me burst out laughing.

Life As I Know It said...

Hell, no, sista, I'm right there with you. No way am I wearing a bikini ever again, for many of the same reasons you cited.

cog said...

hubba hubba

mommastantrum said...

You look HAWT in that thing. Also I have seen all kinds of women who shouldn't have been in a bikini in bikinis while on holiday. You my dear have not one thing to worry about.

And Rehab is Bacon's favorite song..so he will adore this post more than the popcorn he had a meltdown over!

anne said...

You are fooling no one.

Particularly those of us who know just how slender you really are.

I am now going to eat a pint of ice cream in a fit of jealousy.

Again.

foolery said...

My flab could beat up your flab any day of the week.

And no, I'm not an arm model, because I've got the Aunt Bea arms goin' on. Thanks for the comment, and this was VERY funny. Glad I came by!

-- Laurie @ Foolery

Headless Mom said...

I think you look great!! Really. I was at the beach last week and you are SMOKIN' compared to some of the lard-o's that had on bikinis there.

Just remember that tan fat looks better than white fat. At least that's what I keep telling myself!

How'd you find me?

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Rwaaaar. You look smokin' hot, lady.

But I still want to see the bells. I sense a dare...

Biddy said...

if i dared to put a bikini on this body, (you know, after buying one because i've never owned one) i'm afraid i'd look like homegirl on Norbit...

and that, my dear, is a site no one should have to endure.

Stella said...

oh my. number 6 was great.

but i'd bet my hair could out-festive your hair anyday.

girlfriend...i have hair EVERWHERE. i keep trying to convince my husband that sex could be down right dirty - if he'd spring for FULL BODY LASER HAIR REMOVAL for me.

it could be a win-win i'm thinking. i never have to spend 2 hours in the tub with my legs behind my head trying to catch ass hairs before they begin to creep out my pants leg and he - could get real-live porno!

family fun for everyone!

nadzent said...

I can understand the scar, the hair, the paleness...but 50 pounds? On YOU!? You barely weighed 50 pounds to beign with! You are one slender mama, and that you cannot deny. You look awesome. I think you stole my beach look from 1986....

mothergoosemouse said...

Your bellybutton is saying "Hellloooooooooo!" isn't it?

kgirl said...

i'm not sure who i love ore - you, or bhj.

annenahm said...

Your hotness would melt the wax required to remove sideburns. You are teh awesome.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You are hot. And funny. And your belly button has character. These things are true.

mamatulip said...

Holy crap. I wish I looked that good in a bathing suit.

I need alone time now.

Amy said...

More snickering loudly in the cubicle. Nice bikini top. I might have to bead something black with blue stripes. Or is it blue with black stripes?

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Um, I think you look HAWT!

simone said...

oh...i forgot to mention that the show baby borrowers premieres tonight june 25th at 9pm on nbc for those of you who want to watch it...it's a great show for moms like us...i highly recommend it...to learn about parenting...:)

Black Hockey Jesus said...

Dear Dear Dear Jozet@Halushki:

I have not heard from you since I ripped your bikini image & posted it on my blog.

If you are angry with me, I am sorry.

If you're not angry with me, I am still angry with you about Gonzo and trying to move through it.

Angela said...

Too funny post.

daun1919 said...

I’ve never worn a two-piece! And I need to shed some pounds before I do. But now I have a “bikini goal,” which sounds a lot more fun than just a “weight goal.”

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Featured on Good Mom/Bad mom on the Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/6lwlue

Always Home and Uncool said...

Oh, c'mon! You rock that thing. But you are missing the Winehouse six-inch yellow, take-me-in-the-back-of-the-crack-den pumps.

At Home Redesigns said...

Go on, wear it. I double dog dare you. You'd look great!

Redneck Mommy said...

I have never loved you more.

Rawr.

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