10. I gained 50 pounds with my last pregnancy.
9. I did not have a 50 pound baby.
8. Lasagna and ice cream, in that order; sometimes combined.
7. The glare from my white belly would blind pilots at 30,000 feet.
6. My breastfeeding toddler would think it's happy hour.
5. A large incision to remove a suspicious mole has left me with a 13-stitch Frankenstein-like scar across my stomach that makes teenage girls weep.
4. For a woman, I have surprisingly coarse and abundant hair. In fact, for a yak I'd have surprisingly coarse and abundant hair.
3. My bikini area sideburns do not look festive, even when braided and adorned with small bells.
2. I'd be breaking a township ordinance. I'm not sure which one, but they'd think of something. "Failure to tone in a toning zone" perhaps.
And the number one reason why I will not wear a bikini, really, never ever...
1. Bikini Rehab. They'd make me go.