Guest Blogger: Black Hockey Jesus

Hello. My name is Black Hockey Jesus. Today, I’m standing in for Jozet At Halushki. She is on vacation, which makes for the perfect opportunity to call her a complete and utter idiot. I don’t know if you’re familiar with my blog, The Wind In Your Vagina, but it leans toward an attempt at humor. Ha Ha Black Hockey Jesus. Very funny Black Hockey Jesus. Well this guest post is not that. No. This is about setting the record straight. You should imagine me looking stern right now. Because I am very stern.

On Tuesday, June 17, 2008, Jozet submitted a post called “Your Mother Is One” wherein she made a disparaging remark about the beloved Muppet, Gonzo. Here I insert only for the sake of fairness that Gonzo’s complete moniker is “Gonzo The GREAT”. Inside the comments section of the above mentioned post, there are exchanges between Jozet & I that lack the cool precision of reason because of their immersion in a feverish pitch of emotional intensity. Well, I am calmer now. And from the sedate posture of rationality, I have come to offer you my Defense Of Gonzo, and to call Jozet an idiot when she is not around to defend herself.

The following quotes were taken from Wikipedia. O shut up, Wikipedia bashers. We’re talking about a Muppet.

“Unlike most of the central Muppets characters, Gonzo is not meant to represent a human being or an anthropomorphized animal, but sports a bizarre, non-human appearance, which includes blue fur, bug-eyes, and a long, hooked nose.” Take heed. Gonzo is not human. Nor is he some stupid humanized animal with human values and concerns. Frogs. Bear. Pigs. The Muppets ravaged the entire animal kingdom by turning every existing form of life into a little human being. This of course was nothing short of an attempt by mankind to alleviate its guilt at destroying the habitat of every wild thing by making it appear that wild things wanted what humans wanted. “Fuck the trees.” the birds sing, “We want cars & TVs too.” WELL NO THE BIRDS DON’T WANT CARS & TVS!!!

Rage check.

OK. Gonzo was not a human being. Nor was he a human being disguised as an animal. Rather, he was a challenge. Gonzo represented the challenge of The Other. Gonzo, by not being clearly anything, was a symbol for all that is unlike us. Let’s not beat around the bush. Gonzo was an attack on White Bread culture. Our history is a bloody history. It’s a long history of the extermination of any encountered difference. Native Americans. All religions not Christian. Animals. Wilderness. Etc. Gonzo encompasses all this Otherness and his presence confronts us with a choice: Do we shun him? Or embrace him?

I’ll just say it & have done with it. If you don’t like Gonzo, you don’t like black people.

“Gonzo is known for his wild-eyed, optimistic attitude, yet he is also something of an intellectual.” Gonzo says Yes to the world. And it’s not an ignorant Yes. Too often intellectuals get bogged down by their—I don’t know—super thinking or what have you, and they get all depressed. They moan about injustice and meaning and bad coffee. Well Gonzo acknowledges the fact that his own life is built on that of fundamental injustice: his life is fed by death. And Gonzo recognizes that there’s no ground for any meaning to stand firmly upon, to be Absolute. Indeed, the ground shifts. There’s a history of Absolutes. Gonzo stares these impossibilities in the eyes unblinkingly and triumphantly says Yes! Yes! Yes! to life, and with Nietzsche he cries “Amor Fati”.

Love your Fate. It’s the only one you have.


Anonymous said...

Powerful. Moving. I really think you won this one-sided argument.

I always thought he was '...a little like a turkey, but not much.'

LiteralDan said...

(slow, deeply moved clap)
I don't want to ruin the moment with words.


Jennifer said...

Wow. I didn't much like Gonzo...until now. Thanks for enlightening me!

p.s. My blog is about you today

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I had a regrettable fling with someone called Gonzo many moons ago. He ruined this Muppet for me.

I do a good Beaker impression though. Even posted it on my site to prove I have absolutely no shame or scruples.

Anonymous said...

I love Gonzo, I just have a problem with his love of poultry. I mean, his eternal optimizm even in the face of adversity is one to aspire to, but isn't he afraid of salmenella poisoning?

anymommy said...

Sigh. I totally followed you here to read about Gonzo. It's an addiction. I need help.

preTzel said...

Gonzo represents every man on earth that has a crooked penis that makes women scream when they pull their manhood out for presentation. He's gross. He's just gross.

Fozzie is the best of all the Muppets. He represents love and acceptance.

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute. What do you mean "not human?"

Oh, nevermind, HST was super-human.

TentCamper said...

I loved Gonzo. Wow this brought back some fond memories. Halushki is a cool blog...thanks for directing me here.

greezus chrust said...

before i saw 'mouse's post, i was gonna ask if you thought if there was any correlation between Gonzo the Muppet and HST's GONZO style of journalism... so i guess i'm asking- what's your take BHJ?

Jon said...

Hunter Thompson said "No" to life. He attempted to stand on the shoulders of a true muppet giant and failed.

But what a fun, noble attempt.

I'm glad to see you're back even though my ultra open minded reader called you a cunt.

Wait. Does intolerance of intolerance make a tolerance? O I guess it doesn't. Who's the cunt now, liberal police?

Krista said...

Nice forum to throw Gonzo in our faces again BHJ. Just when I thought I started to like you. :-)

I've never seen the likes of Gonzo pontification quite like you did. Trying to justify and get all cerebral and all on us. I still hate him...and that doesn't mean I'm trump your charge. You found no convert here.

Jozet's gonna be pissed for sure when she gets back and reads this nonsense!!

But thanks for kind words on your comments post on the blog and you know I'm still a fan/friend.

And I was the lucky contest winner of Michelle Gagnon's signed copy of her book, "BoneYard". Ha, there! Are ya jealous now?

Jon said...

Totally jealous. I demand a recount.

scargosun said...

I thought he was a bird...

I love me some Muppets.

Her Bad Mother said...

Thus Spake Gonzo? Ecce Gonzo?

I'm not sure, but I think that somewhere, ol' Friedrich's spinning. Wagner's laughing, tho', for reals.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Muppet magnet. This is Anonymous from the aforementioned Cookie Monster's mom/Gonzo bash blog.
I like Gonzo, he's just not my favorite Muppet. He does pull at my heartstrings. Loved his "I'm Going to Go Back There Someday." Cheers to the goofy, intellectual "whatever." I can relate somewhat.

Anonymous said...

well thought out, but a little bizarre, "we are talking about a muppet", afterall. ken

anne said...

Dear Mr. Black Hockey Jesus,

You called my sister an idiot.

You might be interested in hearing from the last guy that picked on my sister. I'd be happy to direct you to him to get some words of wisdom on the importance avoiding our wrath, unfortunately, he's dead now. No, really. He is. Oh wait, he was the second to last guy.


If you knew of the Hessian Poets I doubt you would be so brave as to try a sneaky sneak attack - particularly when it is such a desperate attempt to convince the Halushki readership of the supposed substance of character of that crooked-nosed, ckicken-loving, third stage of puberty Peter Brady voiced Gonzo. Really, is it worth it?

Take heed when throwing the idiot word around - when the Ugly Sisters decide to open a can of whoop-ass on someone, it's the school cafeteria pudding sized one and it ain't pretty, BHJ, it ain't pretty.

With much love,
Ugly Sister Deux

Oh, and, ps. - nice crack.

Jon said...

Puberty Peter Brady. The Juice is strong with this one.

Anonymous said...

I think Gonzo is supposed to be an anthropomorphized vulture. Which makes your comment "his life is fed by death" pretty darn funny.

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