I MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR!
Under where? Underwear?
Gee, but that joke never gets old, does it?
Where am I going with this, anyway, you may ask.
Well…this is tricky. You see, I just did a product review for underwear. And not just any underwear, but k*ds’ und*rw*ar. And because most ki*s’ u*de*wear don’t come in adult sizes, my test subjects….
See? See why this is tricky?
I pretty much run a family show here at Halushki, and much of the family I talk about is my own, mostly-dear, real life family, my own real life kids. Oh, sure, I refer to them by funny Italian monikers, and yes, many of the stories are, well, a bit “heightened” for yuks.
Not like that despicable James Frey who fiddled with the truth but made his life sound all sad and traumatic in a really miserable, unfunny way.
When I fiddle with the truth, it’s something more along the lines of
“Today my kids drove me so batshit crazy that my head exploded into forty-two billion pieces and I’m still scraping the grey matter off my Tiffany lamps.”
See? That’s hyperbole! That’s funny! What really happened would be something more along the lines of
“Today my kids drove me so batshit crazy that my head exploded into forty-ONE billion pieces and I’m still scraping the grey matter off my K-Mart lamps.”
Although, I don’t know…is “Tiffany” funnier than “K-Mart”?
I guess that depends on what town you’re playing.
I don’t want to bore you too much with my deconstructions of humor and the math behind gag punch lines and the algebraic formula for what plays in Poughkeepsie and what doesn't. Just know that this stuff just doesn’t roll trippingly off my tongue - which is quite a disappointment to anyone who invites me to a cocktail party as cheap entertainment; I'm simply not consistently trippingly funny no matter how much cheap gin they feed me - but being funny is, I fear, more of a science than an art, and really, who wants to hang a painting of David Suzuki in their living room? That guy…what a conversation killer.
This being a family blog and all, and what with me putting my family on the line Internet-wise, I hesitate greatly to write a review of k*ds’ u*derw*ar and then mention my very own kids in the review and then post that review on Teh Internets... because that’s more or less Rule Number One for How To Get Thrown In Jail For A Long, Long Time Just For Using The Internet, i.e. post any content that might possibly elicit forty-two billion Google hits for “k*ds" and “und*rwe*r”.
On second thought, I suppose posting about "k**s" and "*nd*rw*ea*" in and of itself wouldn’t be bad or wrong or get you a one-way ticket to the pokey. But…I don’t know…
Maybe what I mean is that I don’t want anyone who is line to Get Thrown In Jail For A Long, Long Time Just For Using The Internet even finding my blog by Googling…well, you know.
I’d much rather they find my blog during a search for “Cicada Sex”.
All that said:
Hey! Check out my OTHER blog, Bleenies!, for a super fantastic, waist elastic, wedgie-bombastic review of Hanes Underwear that I wrote for The Parent Bloggers Network.
Also, The Parent Bloggers Network will be holding a Blog Blast on August 22 whereby you write a post about…well, I’m not sure what it’s about yet, they’ll announce it later…and then you have a chance to win Hanes-wear for your own k*ds! I’m telling you, ya gotta check this stuff out because 1) it's an easy blogging topic for the dog days of writer’s block summer and, 2) you could win **** *********!
Go! Now! Read!
NOT k*d*' **der**ar...