I say, “Look under there!”

You say, “Under where?”

HA-HA!

I MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR!


Get it?

Under where? Underwear?


Gee, but that joke never gets old, does it?

Where am I going with this, anyway, you may ask.

Well…this is tricky. You see, I just did a product review for underwear. And not just any underwear, but k*ds’ und*rw*ar. And because most ki*s’ u*de*wear don’t come in adult sizes, my test subjects….

See? See why this is tricky?

I pretty much run a family show here at Halushki, and much of the family I talk about is my own, mostly-dear, real life family, my own real life kids. Oh, sure, I refer to them by funny Italian monikers, and yes, many of the stories are, well, a bit “heightened” for yuks.

Not like that despicable James Frey who fiddled with the truth but made his life sound all sad and traumatic in a really miserable, unfunny way.

When I fiddle with the truth, it’s something more along the lines of

“Today my kids drove me so batshit crazy that my head exploded into forty-two billion pieces and I’m still scraping the grey matter off my Tiffany lamps.”

See? That’s hyperbole! That’s funny! What really happened would be something more along the lines of

“Today my kids drove me so batshit crazy that my head exploded into forty-ONE billion pieces and I’m still scraping the grey matter off my K-Mart lamps.”

Although, I don’t know…is “Tiffany” funnier than “K-Mart”?

I guess that depends on what town you’re playing.

I don’t want to bore you too much with my deconstructions of humor and the math behind gag punch lines and the algebraic formula for what plays in Poughkeepsie and what doesn't. Just know that this stuff just doesn’t roll trippingly off my tongue - which is quite a disappointment to anyone who invites me to a cocktail party as cheap entertainment; I'm simply not consistently trippingly funny no matter how much cheap gin they feed me - but being funny is, I fear, more of a science than an art, and really, who wants to hang a painting of David Suzuki in their living room? That guy…what a conversation killer.

Anyway, anyway….

This being a family blog and all, and what with me putting my family on the line Internet-wise, I hesitate greatly to write a review of k*ds’ u*derw*ar and then mention my very own kids in the review and then post that review on Teh Internets... because that’s more or less Rule Number One for How To Get Thrown In Jail For A Long, Long Time Just For Using The Internet, i.e. post any content that might possibly elicit forty-two billion Google hits for “k*ds" and “und*rwe*r”.

On second thought, I suppose posting about "k**s" and "*nd*rw*ea*" in and of itself wouldn’t be bad or wrong or get you a one-way ticket to the pokey. But…I don’t know…

Maybe what I mean is that I don’t want anyone who is line to Get Thrown In Jail For A Long, Long Time Just For Using The Internet even finding my blog by Googling…well, you know.

I’d much rather they find my blog during a search for “Cicada Sex”.

All that said:

Hey! Check out my OTHER blog, Bleenies!, for a super fantastic, waist elastic, wedgie-bombastic review of Hanes Underwear that I wrote for The Parent Bloggers Network.

Also, The Parent Bloggers Network will be holding a Blog Blast on August 22 whereby you write a post about…well, I’m not sure what it’s about yet, they’ll announce it later…and then you have a chance to win Hanes-wear for your own k*ds! I’m telling you, ya gotta check this stuff out because 1) it's an easy blogging topic for the dog days of writer’s block summer and, 2) you could win **** *********!

Go! Now! Read!

NOT k*d*' **der**ar...
but okay to Google!

23 comments:

Middle Aged woman said...

Definitely, go with Tiffany, because it gives your readers a chance to be all, "Where did she get Tiffany lamps?" or "Why don't I make enough on MY blog for Tiffany lamps?" or "Who's Tiffany?"
18-year-old-Girl wears tho*gs, and 16-year-old-Boy will only wear silk or satin b*xers. Either would die a painful death of shame and embarrassment if I posted about it on my blog. I guess it's okay to talk about it on your blog, though!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Tiffany is funnier, because who cares if you got brain goop on your cheap-o K-Mart lighting fixtures? It's the contrast between disgusting pieces of brain and beautiful Tiffany glass that does the trick.

Not to overanalyze it, or anything...

preTzel said...

I am looked at with suspicion anytime I have a camera in hand. "Is this going on your blog? Then go away." Even Mr. has taken to hiding out lest I take pictures of him in my bra again and post them on the internets. I only posted them once and not again but then I accessed my photobucket account one night at his brother's house and showed all of them during a Christmas party. It was family! What's the big deal? Sheesh.

Some people have no since of humor.

And how is Tiffany and what did she do at K-Mart with the blue light?

PS Glad you posted - I missed ya.

'That Girl' said...

You said "Pokey"..LOL beavis and butthead are giggling in my head right now..

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Jumpin' George! That was funny.

I vote Tiffany.

scargosun said...

I know that this was a really well written and funny post but I could not remember any of the when I saw the pic of George.

Mrs. G. said...

I'll come visit you in the Big House. The Bleenies site looks FABULOUS!

apathy lounge said...

What with all those pics, I thought you were going to blog about that woman who bought Queen Victoria's crusty old bloomers. Thank god you didn't. I just had breakfast.

cIII said...

I'm side-splittingly funny when given free Gin. Free alcohol of any sort really and I'm a modern day Groucho Marx. At least I am in my head.
Oh. And I'm partial to "Found in the Local Consignment Store Dumpster" Lamp.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Tiffany---I mean, with a Kmart lamp, I'd just throw it away rather than deal with all my grey matter all over it. But, I also am squeamish, so perhaps that joke wouldn't work with me at all. Sigh, I think I need another cup of coffee.

Lisa said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I checked out your reviews as well. Good stuff. I'll be back...

Manager Mom said...

Was that a picture of George Clooney after having sex with a cicada?

Angela said...

too funny

cog said...

how did you find that photo of me?

Julie Pippert said...

Destroying beautiful is always the bigger gag. We love to take down the precious. K*Mart? If not for being extinct would be too easy to replace, and not as sentimental.

Even funnier yet: the Edwardian crystal-draped family heirloom lamp that Great-Aunt Gertrude gave us at our wedding even though we insisted, no, no we couldn't possibly...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I wish Hanes could help me with appropriate underwear for a high school freshman--since apparently SuburbanCorrespondent and I are the only mothers left who don't consider thongs okay for teenage girls!

Anissa@Hope4Peyton said...

Ok, seriously?, I had a comment all prepared in my head about the kids and the privacy and all that...then it all went away because of the Clooney! *le sigh

lildb said...

this wasn't an option, but i prefer hoosegow to pokey. it's just a matter of taste, obviously.

please don't smash me over the head with the remains of your clooney.

er, lamp. thingy.

yeah.

wait. did you just talk about drawers?

*drools silently, envisioning ceaseless dapper dan applications*

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

people find my blog looking for dog p*rn. i think my kids are safe. my dogs, well, they're on their own.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I thought that whole James Frey deal was hysterical.

He scammed Oprah!

azman said...

are you sure this is real picture

Mama Dawg said...

Why, oh, why won't he marry me? George, I'm still single and waiting for you!

Bejewell said...

Are those pantaloons? Because I'm on a quest to identify pantaloons. I think I saw a woman on the side of the road wearing pantaloons. But I'm not sure I actually know what pantaloons are. Since you are apparently the underwear expert, I'm counting on you now.

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