If I'm Not Blogging, I Must Be....

I was messing with my blog and did something funky with my feed. If my blog suddenly isn't coming up in your readers, try this...again.

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If I'm Not Blogging, I Must Be....

1. Working at my part-time bookseller job and trying not to give smart-alecky answers whenever anyone calls the store and asks "I'm wondering if you have a book?"

2. Filling out the reams of paperwork necessary to embark on any Girl Scout event and then bandaging the bloody stumps that are now my fingers.

3. Driving to Philadelphia with a carload of scouts who sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" for two hours straight.

4. Nailing shut the medicine cabinet after the toddler manages to climb on the counter, retrieve a bottle of gummie thank-god-no-iron vitamins, open the childproof cap, and eat a handful of said gummies, and then do it again after I went down to the basement to retrieve laundry.

5. Calling roofers, comparing estimates, and then wondering how hard it could be to thatch the roof myself.

6. Sitting in a freezing cold ice skating rink because a week's worth of outside temperatures in the teens is just too balmy, if you ask me.

7. Attending the state farm show twice: once to walk up and down aisles and admire 2,000 cow buttocks; the second time to admire 2,000 tractors and other various farming equipment, and to photograph a two-year-old sitting on 1,975 of those tractors and other various farming equipment before his melting down at not being able to take home a large orange backhoe, I don't care how cool it is.

8. Not sleeping.

9. Still not packing the Christmas decorations and putting them in the basement.

10. Cleaning up cat vomit and hairballs.

11. Staring into the fridge and wondering what the thick layer of shiny purple and gray goo covering the middle shelf could be.

12. Yelling things like "Just give him the screwdriver so he'll stop screaming!" and "We can fit boarding school into our budget if need be!"

13. Pairing socks.

14. Eating whole grains.

15. Driving slowly past Powerball vendors and imagining myself using hundred-dollar bills to hotwax my legs.

16. Listening to a toddler gasp through croup and not even considering alternative or holistic remedies, just hand me the the steroids and a Bam Bam diaper cover. (This after previous episodes where child turned blue around lips, etc. I'm not about the drugs in most cases, but in this case, I'm all about the drugs if it keeps him breathing and out of the hospital. End of story.)

17. Wondering.

18. Arranging my bangs to lie (lay? So revoke my English degree....) fetchingly over my right eye and then pretending I'm a '60s soul singer.

19. Reading about men in kilts and the women who love them and oatcakes and way too much with the sado-homo-erotic torture scenes and the Loch Ness Monster.

20. Hemming pants.

21. Celebrating a 10th birthday.

22. Contributing to our national obesity epidemic, one box of Thin Mints at a time.

23. Watching the BBC production of Bleak House and wondering how to incorporate "Shake me up, Judy!" into everyday conversations.

24. Meandering through versions of Dark Eyes.

25. Making the decision to turn off comments for a while and seeing whether what I write is affected by not wondering whether what I am writing will get more or less response than something else I could be writing.


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