New Year's Resolution #2: Be More Teh Awesome!

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by The Quaker Oats Company.

My second New Year's Resolution post is inspired by The Parent Blogger Network’s challenge to come clean publicly on some of the promises I’ve made to myself to be more Teh Awesome in 2009.

And I have to honest:

This is going to be a tough one to write about.

Like most bloggers who journal out-loud on The Internets about their every stray thought, involuntary bodily reflex, and lunch selections for each day of the week, I too am painfully shy, have a strong sense of privacy, and am in possession of a humble and undemanding ego.

And as such, it’s a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable when someone asks me to…well…to toot my own horn.

I mean, as someone who has published four years’ worth of ramblings, rantings, and general brain detritus - oh…and stories about poo - you can surely understand that I’d now feel more then a little self-conscious when asked to further blather-on about how swell I am.

But what the hell. I’ll give it a whirl.

The Challenge (via and Parent Bloggers Network ):

Tell us how you and your family already help others,
or how you plan to add that to your list for 2009.

Whew. This is going to be tough.

I’ll limit my awesomeness to three current examples and three objectives for the coming weeks and months.

How I Already Help Others By Being Teh Awesome, by Madame Halushki

1. Good hygiene and personal maintenance.

I try to keep my fingernails neatly trimmed and the hairs between my eyebrows plucked. You see, along with such stressful situations as living in an active war zone or landing an airbus on the Hudson River, trying to engage in polite conversation with someone when all you can do is stare at the bridge of their nose and think, “Tweezers…tweezers…tweezers…GOL-DAMMIT TWEEZERS!” is proven to dangerously elevate cortisol levels and also cause life-threatening muscle atrophy as you forcibly restrain your hand from leaping toward the other person with a hot wax strip. Ditto raggity fingernails, except with an emery board.

2. My astounding lack of athleticism makes everyone else feel like an Olympic champion.

I run like a chicken. I throw like a soup bowl. I jump like a cement parking barrier. Instead of making your own resolution to get fit and take more exercise, just sign up for the aerobics class I’m enrolled in, and then while I’m tripping over my feet to the Night Fever Power Dance Mix, you just sit next to me and have a slice of cheesecake or read a book.

Even without moving a glute, you’ll still lose weight, increase your stamina, and attain those buns of steel. I don’t know how. It’s a mystery of physics. But, you’re welcome.

3. I am a Girl Scout Leader.

As a Girl Scout Leader, I mostly bitch a lot about the colossal amounts of tedious paperwork we have to fill out and hand in every time we request to walk the troop across a street. And then I whine to Council that the numerous Leader Training sessions are too involved and/or too time consuming and/or redundant and/or always end with me calling my doctor for a refill of muscle relaxers. My bitching and griping, however, releases the burden of being Oh Boy It’s THAT Leader from all the other leaders so that they can then congratulate themselves on being quite sane and reasonable and grown-up in comparison to my tantruming.

I also say things to my scouts like, “I’m warning you, if you plan on bringing gorp into the tent at night after all I’ve told you about carnivorous animals sniffing out granola and M&Ms from a valley away, then at least pack a set of your dental records next to your sit-upon so we can identify your remains among the bear scat.”

Along with instilling a healthy respect for nature, I think it’s important for children to learn early how to tease out the truth from the neurotic paranoia, as well as how to time their eye-rolling so that the adults in charge don’t catch them doing it.

And now,

My Awesomeness-To-Others Goals For 2009
, by Madame Halushki

Be more hilarious to more people around the globe.

I think I’m pretty hilarious now. But I think I can do better and spread the hilarity to more people in all corners of the world. Even though the world is round and has no corners.

To achieve this ambitious goal, I plan to 1) buy a globe; 2) learn the words for “Polish”, “mother-in-law”, and “double-knit polyester” in Mandarin, Hindustani, and Farsi; and 3) change the name of my blog to “WikipediaGoogleParisHiltonSex”.

Find more and better ways to be a totally perfect parent.

I take my job raising the next generation real serious. After all, at some point I’ll be sending these kids out into the world as my gift to humanity, and I would get endless hate mail and requests for store credit on returned goods if I gave the world a gift of self-centered, do-nothing, can’t-take-a-jokesters, even if my kids were also super geniuses and exceptionally good looking. Which they are.

To that end, I’ve again broken down my main goal into smaller manageable goals and workable action plans:

1. Get my kids to think more about the needs and feelings of others. I will do this by constantly complaining to them that if it weren’t for their Sysiphean laundry piles, I’d be able to write more and be more self-actualized as a person, and plus I’d have more time to fart around on Twitter.

2. Instill a solid work ethic. I will do this by a) making them do chores to earn their own spending money; b) requiring that all chores and homework are completed before they can use the computer or television; and c) by never offering empty praise or easy self-esteem builders like

“Good job on that test, sweetie!”


“Oh, what a pretty picture you drew for Mommy!”

and instead encourage educational rigor and sustained effort through more motivational and constructive feedback, such as

“Your hard work really paid off; but, I bet if you put in a few more hours with the Magic Eye book every night, you’ll get a 20/15 at your next ophthalmologist appointment”


“You call that a picture of a duckie on a pond? Your perspective is abysmal and the palette you chose is completely wrong for the emotion I think you’re trying to evoke. Try again and don’t be afraid to use the Goofy Grape crayon. And for gol’s sake, is it too much to ask for a vanishing point?”

3. Preserve my children’s youthful joie de vivre and appreciation for the absurd by documenting the minutia of their lives on my blog so that they can refer back eternally to all those silly-willy things they said and did. I will also continue to insist that I can sing and dress like Christina Aguilera, well into my 80s.

Constantly assess whether the consequences of my immediate and impending private and public actions will also enable - or at least not substantially impede - other human beings on their own pursuit to enjoy the luxury of living long enough and well enough to complain about the kinds of piddly crap I complain about.

I’m still figuring this one out.

I think it has something to do with Living Simply So That Others Can Simply Live and calling my local and state representatives so often that they sweat a little right along their hairline when they hear my name.

Oh, and also eating more whole grains and installing low flush toilets.


Now, if you want to read how other bloggers are seriously going to change the world in 2009 and spread their own brands of Teh Awesome, click on this here link

Teh Awesome Is Everywhere!

and scroll down to read all the do-goodness there is out there. There's a lot. And I'm not even being at all hilarious when I say that it's people like these who keep the world spinning smoothly even on days when the planet is threatening to just shake us all off, take its remaining polar ice caps, and drift into the silent void.

It thinks that some time.

It needs more hugs.

And Teh Awesome.

You're welcome again.

natalie dee


jess said...

Jozet, you ARE teh awesome. I want to be you when I grow up. If. Keep making me laugh, you buttery onion, you.

MommyTime said...

This is brilliant and has given me many (hopefully attainable) new goals to add to my own growing list for 2009. I think that in the spirit of breaking things down into small and manageable parts, though, I may have to add one step to your excellent suggestions about helping them improve themselves by not building false self-esteem. Step pre-#1 for me would be: get my eyes off the computer screen long enough to assess properly the picture they are showing me BEFORE I offer feedback.

I think the world will thank me for adding that valuable suggestion, don't you?

Maria Melee said...

You are indeed awesome. I needed that laugh this morning, thank you!

karengreeners said...

omg, you totally are teh awesome. got a feeling '09's gonna be a good year...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

If we every to take a Jazzercise class together we could likely help an entire room full of people.

Heather said...

You're so teh awesome that I'm not even sure I'm worthy enough to even click on your blog, and I'm pretty damn awesome myself.

Heather said...

And if I said "even" one more time in my comment, I'd be even awesomer.

Kath said...

You Rock.


That's all I have to say.

Blog Antagonist said...

Your awesomeness abounds, with or without gorp. :?)

Her Bad Mother said...

If only I could be 7/8ths as awesome as you. Then I'd be happy.

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