I was gone so long because…because….
Because I was...uh...in traction.
That’s right, I was in traction. I was all trussed up with ropes and pulleys and a long clear drip tube running from my hoodeehoo to a whatsit bag attached to the side of my bed.
There was this, oh this just horrible...accident...thing.
It was…it was awful.
Really, truly, and desperately terrifying.
You see...I ran into a creative wall.
Well, okay, technically it wasn’t even a creative wall. More like a wall shaped like a series of New Year’s Eve gin and tonics that clocked in at about ninety-nine parts gin to one part quinine juice.
I don’t know who taught my neighbor to make gin and tonics, but these things would have killed James Bond.
And so, I began my New Year 2009 with a hangover that caused hallucinations of Linda Blair standing over my bed with a bowl of pea soup and me promising Jesus, Mary and The Carpenter that I’d repent, stop using too much pure vanilla extract in pancakes, throw away my Nyquil, and become a proper, sober, suburban mother. A mother who scrapbooked her children’s memories properly on acid-free pages decorated with die-cut soccer balls and Mrs. Grossman’s flower stickers instead of being a madwoman who transcribed and electronically published in detail all the madness inherent in trying to civilize three small humans who fought their mother's civilization hazing with tooth and nail and an entire repertoire of shrugs and sighs and the occasional throwing of Matchbox cars. A woman who pushed away the dessert cart as well as the cocktail tray and instead happily nibbled on lentils and whole grain omelets and sipped spring water with a slice of organic lemon. A lady who showered more regularly and used an eyebrow tweezer on her unibrow for god’s sake not to mention also on attacking that two-inch long black hair that began sprouting on her chin when she turned forty.
For, you understand, a good strong hangover administered when you no longer have youth and long lazy child-free mornings on your side is enough to send one willingly and achingly into the arms of one‘s confessor. Or to the “Inspiration and Rededicating One's Life For the New Year” book display at Barnes and Noble. Or to the nearest A.C. Moore craft store.
And so, I spent the first week of the 2009 in a sort of reading, crafting, exfoliation frenzy.
(It would be really handy if The Secret just included an Appendix with instructions on the later two.)
And then I found the Alka Seltzer.
And then Rimarama kicked me in the buttocks.
So, while feeling a bit chastened by my queasy entrance into the new year, I feel as if I’ve finally shaken off the worst bits of my frenzy of mundane enlightenment.
Nothing against crafting, by the way. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll remember that I fashioned a quite lovely little Christmas wreath out of beer tabs and overdue library notices.
Heh. It was actually created from scraps of recycled and felted wool. Lovely that! I’d never felt so wholesome. Get it?! Felt…so…
Anyway…I apologize for the unannounced hiatus.
And for offending any crafters by condescending to reduce their art to nothing more than a cheap attempt to regain my soul.
I also apologize to all those people who don't use a few stiff drinks as an excuse to not publicly humiliate their family for two weeks.
That's a bit assbackwards, isn't it?
Well, for what it's worth, I’ll try to be a better artist in the future and stick to what I know. I'll also not let a few measly juniper berries come between me and my public.
So without any further adieu…
The 2009 Version!
Now with more Lead-free Bali-Style Spacer Beads!