New Year's Resolution #1: No More Crafting As Penance

I’m back.

I was gone so long because…because….

Because I was...uh...in traction.

That’s right, I was in traction. I was all trussed up with ropes and pulleys and a long clear drip tube running from my hoodeehoo to a whatsit bag attached to the side of my bed.

There was this, oh this just horrible...accident...thing.

It was…it was awful.

Really, truly, and desperately terrifying.



You see...I ran into a creative wall.



Well, okay, technically it wasn’t even a creative wall. More like a wall shaped like a series of New Year’s Eve gin and tonics that clocked in at about ninety-nine parts gin to one part quinine juice.

I don’t know who taught my neighbor to make gin and tonics, but these things would have killed James Bond.

And so, I began my New Year 2009 with a hangover that caused hallucinations of Linda Blair standing over my bed with a bowl of pea soup and me promising Jesus, Mary and The Carpenter that I’d repent, stop using too much pure vanilla extract in pancakes, throw away my Nyquil, and become a proper, sober, suburban mother. A mother who scrapbooked her children’s memories properly on acid-free pages decorated with die-cut soccer balls and Mrs. Grossman’s flower stickers instead of being a madwoman who transcribed and electronically published in detail all the madness inherent in trying to civilize three small humans who fought their mother's civilization hazing with tooth and nail and an entire repertoire of shrugs and sighs and the occasional throwing of Matchbox cars. A woman who pushed away the dessert cart as well as the cocktail tray and instead happily nibbled on lentils and whole grain omelets and sipped spring water with a slice of organic lemon. A lady who showered more regularly and used an eyebrow tweezer on her unibrow for god’s sake not to mention also on attacking that two-inch long black hair that began sprouting on her chin when she turned forty.

For, you understand, a good strong hangover administered when you no longer have youth and long lazy child-free mornings on your side is enough to send one willingly and achingly into the arms of one‘s confessor. Or to the “Inspiration and Rededicating One's Life For the New Year” book display at Barnes and Noble. Or to the nearest A.C. Moore craft store.

And so, I spent the first week of the 2009 in a sort of reading, crafting, exfoliation frenzy.

(It would be really handy if The Secret just included an Appendix with instructions on the later two.)

And then I found the Alka Seltzer.

And then Rimarama kicked me in the buttocks.

So, while feeling a bit chastened by my queasy entrance into the new year, I feel as if I’ve finally shaken off the worst bits of my frenzy of mundane enlightenment.

Nothing against crafting, by the way. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll remember that I fashioned a quite lovely little Christmas wreath out of beer tabs and overdue library notices.

Heh. It was actually created from scraps of recycled and felted wool. Lovely that! I’d never felt so wholesome. Get it?! Felt…so…

Anyway…I apologize for the unannounced hiatus.

And for offending any crafters by condescending to reduce their art to nothing more than a cheap attempt to regain my soul.

I also apologize to all those people who don't use a few stiff drinks as an excuse to not publicly humiliate their family for two weeks.

That's a bit assbackwards, isn't it?


Well, for what it's worth, I’ll try to be a better artist in the future and stick to what I know. I'll also not let a few measly juniper berries come between me and my public.


So without any further adieu…

Halushki!

The 2009 Version!

Now with more Lead-free Bali-Style Spacer Beads!


36 comments:

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

OH yay! My world has returned to its axis now that Jozet is posting again.

PSoTD said...

Now I know - you have to try one of our infamous martinis.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Welcome back. 2009 just wasn't the same without you. Now, step away from the scrapbook, ok? It's ruining the image I've created of you.

preTzel said...

It is nice to see you back posting again J! It has been too long. Love the wreath - it is cute. I gave up being crafty along time ago. Although I can get crafty after several booze containers find themselves emptied down my esophagus. ;)

Marmite Breath said...

Thank God you're back! Coincidentally, the sun just came out.

I don't believe in coincidence either.

Welcome back to you and your blogging mojo.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

The gift of the chin hair at age 40 is a bitch. I'm not too happy about the gray eyebrow hairs either.

All Things BD said...

Welcome back. It's good to know you're here, and that your Google ads are now overrun with crafting products.

bad neighbors said...

I know one neighbor who will be thrilled to be mentioned...and for mixing strong drinks no less!!!

Blog Antagonist said...

Great to see you back! I know what it's like to run up a brick wall. We all have to take a break now and then to get our mojo back.

ewe are here said...

Happens... ;-)

Welcome back and Happy 2009.

Threeboys1mommy said...

I just want to leave a comment so I can follow all the subsequent comments you're going to get from all the disgruntled crafting mommies.

Mr Farty said...

Don't get me started about chin hair!

Welcome back and HNY!

Anonymous said...

Jojo- maybe a little retaliation is in order for the potent G&Ts. Have the neighors ever enjoyed a winter's gathering involving a few fifths of boilo? Happy New Year!--A

Jozet at Halushki said...

Threeboys1mommy -

Point taken.

I will admit: I do have a traumatic history with crafting which has perhaps negatively colored my opinion. For years, I spent one night a week in a dimly lit bingo hall with Girl Scouts and the Sodality girls, making pincushions out of soup cans and scraps of fabric, or weaving potholders from newspaper, etc. I can safely say that I've personally crafted over 346 God's Eye wall hangings in my life, and that's 345 too many.

I am a victim of PTCD: Post Traumatic Crafting Disorder.

There are lovely and unique and edgy and honestly artistic crafters out there - even scrapbooking - and blogs a-plenty with stuff that just knocks me off my feet. My dear friend Deb at i obsess is a crafter extraordinaire. However, if I took up crafting, I'd be the crafter of cliches no matter how hard I tried to be most unique and buttery in my crafting.

Now please, crafting mommies, don't hurt me. Don't hot glue my hand to my butt while I'm sleeping. :-)

MommyTime said...

I cannot scrapbook to save my life, despite the threatening piles of carefully saved photographs and numerous (empty) lovely albums waiting patiently in their store bags to be put to use. So I get it.

I also can't make little cheery wreaths.

But I am currently practicing to make a Transformer birthday cake, and that's something, at least.

I'm so glad you are back!

annenahm said...

Glad you are back.Here is the only thing that has ever made The Secret sound truly useful to me. Hope the html works. Here is the naked link:
http://community.livejournal.com/wtf_inc/6838261.html

Apryl's Antics said...

Glad to see Linda Blair still has a job.

My word verification is "corkall". Why do I find that amusing?

apathy lounge said...

You had me worried there for a moment. No crafting? WTF???

mothergoosemouse said...

Gin. Just the word makes me shiver. And not in a good way.

Here's to a Haluski-full New Year!

Amy said...

You do know that The Dead will be touring again-sans Jerry (of course)
Guess where they're playing....Wilkes-Barre.

Heyna.




lead free Bali Spacers? Pfft.

Rima said...

Can you make me a purse out of beer tabs? I've always wanted one of those.

Anissa Mayhew said...

Walk away from all the cleverly designed crafting scissors and the amazing edges you could potentially make with them...just leave it all behind and bask in the glow that is the love of your blog. We missed you! More importantly, I missed you!

Vodka Mom said...

that was damn funny! (MY cure for a hangover? Greasy cheeseburger...)

and, I make a damn good halushki.......

kgirl said...

The title of this post alone had me howling. I do this penance quite regularly.

Happy New Year!

Magpie said...

Gin kicked your butt? I'm so glad it wasn't vodka - a drink for wusses.

Lesha said...

Glad to see you back.

And I didn't see the connection between the New Year and my shopping spree in AC Moore until I read this. Thanks for helping me see the light!

(okay, not really, crafting actually costs money and I'm too cheap for that. Knitting isn't considered crafting though, is it?)

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Please stop flogging yourself with a knitting needle. You deserved the break, but I'm glad you're back.

Variations On A Theme said...

Hooray! My daily visit to your blog finally paid off! Glad you're back.

PeetsMom said...

Pass up the dessert tray??? Never! Welcome back!

Moobs said...

Mmmmm ... crafty

Pinky G said...

I guess being a consultant for a scrapbooking company officially makes me a crafty mommy - but don't worry, we only use hot glue torture in very extreme cases... like the time Jamie stole my layout and claimed it as hers - that REALLY pissed me off ;)

Katie Alender said...

That wreath is too cute. And don't worry, we die-hard crafters know that the punishment is the reward. ;-)

Anonymous said...

hey, do you remember those hundreds of bunnies the nuns made us make for the nursing home out of styrofoam egg containers? or have you blocked those out? those alone could give one a lifetime of PTCD. - A

anne said...

Why don't you just try oil painting? And mushrooms? Sounds like a bang-up way to spend 2009.

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