All Lost In The Big Box Toy Store

Dear Toy Store Coupon,

Since there is already enough dishonesty and subterfuge in the world, I’m going to cut to the chase here like a good 3-minute punk rock song:


I don’t like you.



That’s difficult for me to say.

I don’t generally put effort into telling people…coupons…when I feel less than brotherly love toward them.

I’d rather be all about the good vibes; all about being a positive force in the world.

But you come into my house, an interloper hidden within the Trojan Horse that is a birthday card to my child from the large cartoon giraffe that is your spokesperson…spokesungulate…

And you offer us a seemingly generous $3.00 off any store purchase of more than $3.00.

You make it sound almost free. A “free gift”!

But you know, oh conniving coupon.

You know that my children will be lured by your cheerful cherry-colored graphics, lured like…well…like children! Like children are lured into slow-passing vans with candy and puppies and the come-hither of Curlz MT font.

Stay away from my kids, you back-alley coupon!

Stop grooming them with personalized birthday cards! Stop manipulating my kids! Stop exploiting lovable savanna creatures by dressing them in red sweatshirts and parading them around with their big googly eyes, begging to be saved from economic extinction!

Just stop it!


And still...I feel guilty, damn you.

I feel guilty that there on my kitchen counter is a golden ticket to $3.00 free merchandise. Am I so wealthy, so well-off that I can turn up my proletariat nose to a free $3.00 in any form? If I saw three bucks sitting on a park bench all by itself, would I cross the street to ask whether it was okay? Whether perhaps it needed a ride somewhere, perhaps in my wallet?

I would.

Yet, where in your store is any single item that costs a mere $3.01?

(I mean besides the gargantuan lollipops or ladybug stickers that will end up all over my kitchen cabinets.)

You know, oh shifty coupon. You know as well as I do that this isn’t about you getting my shiny copper penny or a jovial giraffe who wants the best for my children.

It’s about me being hounded to death by the birthday girl via “WhencanwegocanwegotodaywhencanwegotodaywhendaddygetshomeIwanttousemy
birthdaycouponyousaidwedgotoday!” You know it’s about me entering your labyrinth of shiny-buy-me with good intentions to teach the worth of a cent and practice the discipline of discerning want from need, only to exit hours later a broken woman, $22.00 poorer, my birthday girl prancing beside me swinging her bag of purple-glitter, spinning-whirring Make Me Happy.

Does no one listen to The Clash anymore? Whenceforth the guaranteed personality?!

And what’s almost worse -

Even if I never, ever use you; even if I withstood the slings and arrows which will be flung my way via a small determined child crazed on Toy Store Coupon crack; even if I stood my ground and pointed out quite reasonably that the fuel alone needed to drive to the toy store would cost as much as the coupon would save us; even if all that -

Because you are a coupon with an expiration date, I won’t be able to bring myself to throw you away before June 30, 2009.

On top of everything else, coupon, you’re clutter.

Bite me, coupon.

In closing, bite me hard.

I hope that you appreciate my candor even when you offer me none of the same.

You are a filthy, rotten piece of paper.


Sincerely,

Madame Halushki


IMG_1104
"Gimme some cake, punk.
Joe Strummer doesn't want his piece."

9 comments:

ozma said...

Wow, I fell for that stuff so many times. Bed, Bath and Beyond anyone? I need a restraining order.

Yeah, I don't want your crap anymore box store. Why did it take me so long to learn this?

The Toys R Us way of going after our children's brains seems almost kinda quaint, though, compared to some of the other techniques used.

kgirl said...

I have to buy a birthday gift tonight, and although we will be patronizing our wonderful little independent local toy store, I'm sneaking over there after work, before the kids can harass me to come with and spend my money. So mean, but so necessary.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

Have your coupons been talking to my coupons? Because mine are staging a sit-in on my kitchen counter.

MommyTime said...

I can never bear to throw that one away either. So it sits there till it expires because going into Toys R Us with my children is surely what Dante was describing in the 7th circle of Hell. The only time I ever use that coupon is if some well-meaning grandparent has sent us a TRHell giftcard for a child for a holiday, although even those I try my darndest to use up online. Seriously, the only place I'd less like to take my children than that store is bra shopping with me. And I did that a few weeks ago.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I don't save coupons. It means I also don't save money, but I an live with that.

Happy Birthday to the newly-minted 8 year old!

IzzyMom said...

First of all, happy b-day to that cutie in the picture. As for that coupon business, I've come to know myself well enough to know I can safely toss them since I will invariably forget them while they continue to clutter up my desk well past their expiration date

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

"Bite me, coupon"

You are a RIOT!

Eight? Is great.

Happy Birthday!

preTzel said...

Funny thing - to the left of your post is a coupon to SAVE SAVE SAVE $25 off your order at Amazon...guess who clicked it?

Bite me coupon! LOLOL~

thesis dissertations said...

I think there is no single or definitive model of parenting. What may be right for one family or one child may not be suitable for another

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