Gluing Child To Hip, Not Even Joking

Mother: I'm going to be gone for a half hour.

Child Old Enough To Know Better: Okay.

Mother: I have my cell phone. Do you have your cell phone?

Child (OETKB): Yes.

Mother: Is it charged?

Child: Yes.

Mother: Okay, so, just don't cook anything while I'm gone. Got it?

Child:  Yeah.

Mother: No, I mean it. Have a sandwich or yogurt or something.

Child: Yeah.

Mother: Alright, I'm going.

Child: Yeah.

Fifteen minutes later....

Cell phone: Ring! Ring! Ring!

Mother: Hello?

Same Child:'s not doing it now, but there was smoke coming out of the microwave.

Mother: WHAT! CALL 911!

Child: Nothing is on fire or anything....

Mother:  SMOKE! I told you not to cook! I told you to make a sandwich!

Child: Yeah...I tried to warm up a slice of lunch's kind of smoking....

Mother: You tried to...?! I left giving you one rule: Do. Not. Burn. House. Down.

Child:  Well, I didn't.

Mother: !

ChildI just burned down a piece of ham.

Mother: !!


Mother: You are only allowed to eat cottage cheese from now on.

Child: Fine.

Mother: For the rest of your life.

Child: Okay.


Child: Cottage cheese is pretty good warmed up, isn't it?


sheena said...

You're overreacting, Mom. Child only burned down a piece of ham. It's not like it was still alive or anything.

Good luck with this! said...

"It's not like it was still alive or anything."

True. Good point to keep in mind.

(Hiding family pet as I type.)


Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

In the beginning I wouldn't even let them eat the sandwich--what if they choked?! said...

Jenn, lol! Btdt! Thank goodness I'm not the only one, lol!

Marinka said...

I totally blame the ham for being dramatic and recommend keeping a kosher house. If a burning microwave won't convince you, I don't know what will. said...

Ham is very dramatic. Thus the name.


I figured child knew not to set one slice of ham to cook for 2 minutes in the microwave. She does algebra, for cripes sake!

MommyTime said...

Never figure a child knows how long to microwave anything. I once microwaved the hot fudge sauce that the family I was babysitting for had left behind for me. The kids were sleeping, all was good. Until I set the microwave for about the same amount of time that it would have taken for the fudge to heat on the stove. The sauce was plenty warm. So was the tupperware. Both were warm and melty together in a giant puddle on the floor of the microwave.

In my defense, it was 1985, and we didn't have a microwave at home.

But still, since one never knows how long a kid will think is long enough to cook something (c.f. the Kindergarten turkey recipes posted on the board at the school last year, which ranged from 5 minutes to 2 days for perfectly cooking a turkey), I think you are RIGHT ON to make a no microwaving rule while you are not home.

DGB said...

This is horrifyingly fantastic.

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