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So, here are the things I did today which could potentially have maimed me. Or made me puke.

1. I turned on the house heat which sucked all the moisture out of the air. This made me snore. This made my nasal passages dry and sore with microscopic cuts now open to bacteria.

2. I walked up and down the stairs several times. To insurance actuaries, that's like watching parkour. Or an episode of Jackass.

3. I took a shower. Under water. On a slick surface.

4.  I stood on a damp floor and used a curling iron which was plugged in to a non-GFCI outlet.

5. I told my ten-year-old daughter she had to make up a half hour of clarinet and violin practice.

6. I drove a car.

7. I used a public bathroom after I wiped someone else's pee off the seat.

8. I touched the trains on the communal Thomas the Tank Engine table in the kids' department at work. I probably touched my eye afterward.

9. I pulled a Kroy label off a shelf at work, ripped it in half with my teeth to separate the words "Education" and "Curriculum", and then I pasted the ripped halves on different shelves.

10. I wore heels for seven hours.

11. I made a beef barbecue with a piece of meat that had an October 31 "sell by" date, and prayed that the large amount of vinegar I cooked it in would kill any germs before they killed me.

12. I ate raw cake batter.

I did not, however, eat honey or inhale deeply near a construction site or savor improperly canned yams. Botulism wasn't really a consideration.

Maybe tomorrow.

I'm, like, an action hero.


Unknown said...

#11 just makes our families stronger and better prepared to survive post-apocalyptic lack of refrigeration.

At least that's what I tell myself. said...

Me and my boy, I agree! What doesn't kill me makes me stronger for the Mayan end of the world!

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