Grudges



Okay. Grudges.

Let me think on this a while....

What the hell is a grudge?
I mean, I think I know. But maybe I don't.



Grudge. noun. a feeling of ill will or resentment

So it's a feeling. And it's resentment.

And people bear grudges. And they hold grudges.


Good lord, I'm exhausted already.

But sure, I have undergone some times of feeling extended ill will and resentment toward someone.

See here -

A somewhat incomplete list of grudges I have born and briefly held:

The time I wanted to go on the Salt-and-Pepper Shaker ride at Knoebels, but you wouldn't go on with me and made up all kinds of excuses to not go on with me. And I wasn't allowed to go on alone. 
The time you told me I was the worst scissor-cutter you'd ever seen. 
The time I didn't get to be May Queen, but you did. I knew it was because you were taller and I was shorter. 
The time you yelled at me in front of the entire lunch room because I forgot to bring the bell downstairs from the classroom. 
The whole "who is the best Beatle" argument. Then the "Yoko versus Linda" debate that almost turned into a fist-fight during a sleepover party. 
The day you kicked me out of the car because that was the day you decided I wasn't "in" anymore. 
The concert you asked me to but then brought another girl. 
The play rehearsal when you were supposed to stage slap me, but you slapped me for real. In the face. On the wrong side of the fake blood capsule. 
The eight weeks I helped you work on that stupid movie script - the re-writes, the readings - but then you cast a blonde, busty girl in the lead role. When you knew I was a better actor all along. 
The day I told you who I was going to invite to the dance. And before I got a chance to ask him, you cornered him and asked him yourself...to go with you. 
The party when you asked me to fend off all the people who were pissed off at you. And I did. And then you pretended that you were never angry with them in the first place. And they become pissed off at me.

Those are a few grudges I have held.

But don't anymore.

Not because in retrospect the events weren't actually as hurtful or frustrating as I thought at the time. Although, probably they weren't.

Not because I'm a forgiving person. I'm sometimes not. Although, mostly I can be.

Not because these events were ultimately character building experiences which made me stronger, and so I now have no regrets. And what the hell does that even mean, anyway? Freaking Dr. Phil.

Grudges - more exactly, an extended feeling of ill-will and resentment -  take a lot of active holding on to. And even trying to get over a grudge is a pretty tedious and involved activity. All the soul-searching and post-mortem analysis. All the drudgery of attempting to put on a happy face when really you just want to stab someone. All the machinations to let the wrong-doer know - but without letting them know that you're intending to let them know - that you're holding a grudge. And they'd better watch out.

I suppose I do all that...for a while.

And then, eventually, I just kind of don't.

I haven't thought a way over or around or through the grudge. I haven't come to terms. I haven't considered it a different way. I haven't done anything really enlightened or reasonable or rational or spiritual to get over the grudge.

I think I just...find something else to do?


Maybe I'm lazy.

Or maybe I'm distracted by shiny objects.


That's not to say that I've forgotten - or forgiven - any truly malicious wrongdoings by people who are more wholly scoundrel-like in their dealings with other humans. But that doesn't take much work. That kind of disesteem comes with an easy clarity. And some folks have certainly undergone honest-to-goodness traumas and inflicted disasters which involve life-long treatment and re-dressing of tender scars and gaping wounds. But harms such as these cause more than the comparative simplicity of "ill will or resentment."


Grudges?

I've a had...a few.

They take a lot of time and effort.

I like naps and glitterballs much better.

2 comments:

Karen Jensen said...

Yay for glitter balls

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You have had some "friends" do some pretty crappy things to you.

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