Vintage Josette: Retail Book Store Pass-Fail

(The following examples all taken from the real life adventures of Yours Truly, Bookseller Extraordinaire.)

Inquiries


Uhm, I’m looking for a book, but I don’t know the author. I don’t know the title either. I think it’s fiction, but come to think of it, it might be non-fiction. I do know that it has a brownish cover. Or maybe it’s blue.”

FAIL


“Do you have a copy machine? I don’t want to buy this whole book. I just need a copy of the first chapter and a few graphs.”

FAIL


“Could you tell me what books you have in the store about overcoming procrastination? I’m thinking about coming in next week to buy one.”

FAIL


“Do you have any books on the topic of pig farming between the years 1790 and 1791 in France and how the ambient stress from living during the Revolution affected the reproductive cycles of swine? Oh, and I need it today to finish a term paper for college.”

FAIL


“Does your manager only hire extremely good-looking people at this store, or can anyone get a job here?”

PASS


Complaints

“I find the exposed breasts on this book cover (The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding) to be offensive! You should take this off the display!”

FAIL


“Uh, there’s a table full of Kama Sutra books right near the only open cash register and right at my seven year old’s eye level. I‘d really rather start with the basics for our first birds and bees talk; not start by fielding questions about The Pair of Tongs position.”

PASS


“Your store carries way more books on left wing politics than right wing politics! What are you, a bunch of fascists?!”

FAIL


“Your store carries way more books on right wing politics than left wing politics! What are you, a bunch of fascists?!”

FAIL


“Why does your manager only hire exceptionally good-looking people? My self-esteem dips every time I shop here.”

PASS



Behavior

Inserting your church’s evangelical Bible tract pamphlets between the pages of the sex/addiction/death-and-dying books.

FAIL


Inserting your Army recruiting cards between the pages of every GED study guide.

FAIL


Taking porn magazines to the gardening section to read, and then leaving copies of Long Schlongs next to the books on hostas and shade gardening.

FAIL


Taking porn magazines to the children's section to read, and then leaving copies of Extreme Thong Wedgies next to the Backyardigans sticker books.

EPIC FAIL


Falling asleep on the comfy chairs for five hours, and then becoming irate when an employee gently nudges you to see whether or not you are dead.

FAIL


Sitting in the Psychology section and reading through every book on the topic of overcoming obsessive-compulsive disorder….

POTENTIAL FAIL


And then not putting the books back on the shelf.

PASS


Cash Register Etiquette

Talking on your cell phone the entire time you are making a transaction, but none of your phone conversation includes the words “…now apply a tourniquet right above the severed joint!”

FAIL


After completing your transaction, moving away from the register to reconfigure the entire contents of your purse/backpack/valise.

PASS


Quipping “I guess it’s free!” if your book doesn’t immediately scan at the register.

FAIL


People below the age of twelve making a purchase entirely with pennies.

PASS


Miscellaneous

Your three year old toddler accidentally peeing in the kids department.

PASS


Your twenty-three year old drunk boyfriend accidentally peeing all over the mens room floor.

FAIL


Stalking the teenage baristas because you’re a lonely old bastard who can’t afford cable television.

FAIL


Getting loud and angry with a minimum-wage retail bookseller because
a) corporate management made the decision not to carry your best friend’s first novel, or
b) you don’t like the color scheme inside the store, or
c) customers are reading the books before buying them and you think that this is unjust, or
d) the book you want costs more than you think it should, or
e) the bookseller is so abundantly good-looking,

FAIL


Telling a bookseller that you love her after she finds the last copy of Julius Caesar Spark Notes the night before your final exam.

SLIM PASS


Telling the bookseller that she is also preternaturally good-looking.

FULL PASS



2 comments:

Xan said...

"Inserting your Army recruiting cards between the pages of every GED study guide."

This is actually just brilliant.

Anonymous said...

This post in particular, but your entire blog - PASS!

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