Letter To My 11-year-old Daughter At Summer Camp


Dear Daughter,

Today is your first day of camp. Hopefully you are settling in okay. Introduce yourself to the other girls in your tent/cabin/bunker. Get to know your counselors/instructors. Know what to do after dark when the lights go out.

As you probably have realized by now, Daddy and I did not send you to Girl Scout camp as we told you. Instead, you will be spending the next six days at Zombie Apocalypse Training Camp.

Surprise!

We thought it was important that one member of our family be fully trained in what to do if/when the Zombie Apocalypse takes place. Since Daddy and I have to work, and since your little brother is too young, and since your older sister would only pay full attention if the Zombies had Pokemon names, we thought it was in the best interest of our family to send the person with the best focus and attention span.  So pay attention!

Eventually, all members of the family will need to go through this rigorous instruction. Unless one of us gets eaten by Zombies first. Which I hear isn’t too bad as long as it happens while you’re asleep. Which is a bit of a conundrum because 1) the Zombies are more likely to get you when you are asleep, but 2) it’s less painful if they get you while you’re asleep.

But don’t think about that now.

What’s important is that you pay strict attention and learn all of the Zombie Survival Skills necessary to save your family. Yes, even your older sister.

You will be choosing from such courses as

How To Recognize A Zombie: Is That A Brain-eating Monster Or Just Another Middle School Gym Teacher – How To Tell The Difference 
Fending Off Zombies – 201 Deadly Uses of Staplers, Forks, and Other Common Household Objects 
Living In The Wild After Zombies Take Over Your House And Run Up Your Netflix Bill 
Hiding Out In Your Basement: How Long Can A Human Live On Peanut Butter and Baked Beans? 
Do Brains Really Taste Like Chicken? A Zombie Question and Answer Session 
Zombies Don’t Just Need A Good Hug, and Other Misconceptions About the Undead

WOW! You’re going to have so much fun!

Now, you’ll still have the horseback riding course. This is very important, because once the Zombie Apocalypse happens, there may be gas shortages for a while and we’ll need to use horses for transportation. Also Zombies are natural enemies of horses, and a horse will kick a Zombie to the next county and feel good about it. So, you know, make friends with the horses.

It is very important that you try all the food in the dining hall at every meal. The food will intentionally be pretty bland and gross. Government researchers have discovered that humans who eat bland, gross food become less appetizing to the Zombies, while humans who eat delicious, highly-seasoned foods taste like Zombie birthday cake ice cream. So, you know, have a double serving of the overcooked green beans every day at camp.

There may be one or two girls at camp who seem exceptionally quiet and shy. You must try to make friends with these girls. In every Zombie Apocalypse movie to date, it’s the quiet, shy kid who hatches the best plan for defeating the Zombies. So, you know, introduce yourself. Say hi. Compliment these girls on their awesome sneakers or their cool hats. Ask where they are from and what kinds of things they like to do. Get to know them. These girls may save your life.  It is also a fact that any kid who makes fun of the shy, quiet girl gets eaten by Zombies first, so stay away from any mean kids. Or you’ll be a Zombie appetizer.

Okay!

I hope you have a great time at camp!

Learn a lot of helpful tips and tricks, enjoy yourself, and don’t forget to use your sunscreen and bug spray every day.

If there is one thing worse than a Zombie Apocalypse, it’s a bad sunburn and a tick embedded in your butt.

Love you a lot! Hugs and Kisses!

Mommy


For more Josette, check out Faking-It - Movies Everyone Has Seen But You at Mamapop.com

8 comments:

Bradley Cooper said...

Now EVERYBODY is going to want to go to Zombie Camp!

Darlene http://adventuresofamiddleagemom.com said...

Awesome letter! Lucky daughter!

Korinthia Klein said...

So much more useful than learning to make lanyards.

The Empress said...

I love this idea, and now I want to write a dear letter to my kids home on summer vacation.

Stasha said...

Ticks are rather annoying. And there are no cool shotguns for them either.

Sarah said...

snort.

Heather said...

Awesome :) I've spent countless hours with my neighbor's daughter plotting our zombie apocalypse survival - That kid has some good ideas ;)

1elocution said...

May I use this please? Such Fun.

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