NaBloPoMo: 30 Days Of Stuff My Mother Found In Her House And Gave To Me


My mother is de-cluttering. She is un-hoarding. She is liquidating the contents of her house. 

And like a museum of my childhood I hadn't intended on visiting anytime soon--let alone, knew existed--each time she visits, my mother, curator, delivers bags and boxes of my past.

Like this...thing.

What is it? It's a nurse mouse, as much as I can figure. It is also a bank.

No one in our immediate family was a nurse or had ever been a nurse when this bank was given to me...when? Who knows.

I didn't want to be a nurse when I grew up. Or a veterinarian.

The nurse mouse doesn't represent a beloved cartoon character from my 1970's Saturday morning lineup--which was, no doubt, odd. Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, remember them? The kids who hung out in a junk yard? How about the Sid & Marty Krofft classic, "Lidsville," the live-action kids show about a town full of hat people?



There were no coins in the nurse mouse bank.

And no Charles Nelson Reilly in my kids' childhood.

I was playing Old Maid and accidentally wrote a John Irving novel...



or maybe I accidentally cast a John Waters film?

This artwork on this card deck is very difficult to defend unless you're using it as a Rolodex for fringe characters.


Read more Josette at PennLive.com
 


Laughing At Kmart's Jingle Bells Commercial Makes Me A Bad Santa


Well, ring-a-ding-dingaling and fa-la-la-la-liscious! Kmart's new video ad for Joe Boxer underwear has tongues a-wagging over a bunch of comely young men jingling their jangly bits to holiday music.

If you're watching this with your Aunt Millie, you'd best bring out the fainting couch and smelling salts.

Ready? For your viewing pleasure.



Okay, quick poll:

What is ringing on these guys? Their hips? Their franks? Or is it the beans?


I know what you mean. Wink wink "bells up their bums" nudge nudge.

Although, I'm going with Jingle Balls. Isn't the selling point of boxer underwear the loose-fitting freedom and range of motion they provide ? This ad illustrates that point, spectacularly

Of course, we can't have anything nice without some busybody with finer sensibilities ruining it the rest of us.


Was Kmart a "once-great company?" I guess. I always liked the blue light specials.

But explain to me how is this commercial "anti-family?" I thought that wearing boxer shorts could improve a man's sperm count. I'd say that increasing sperm count ranks at least number five on the You, Too, Can Make A Family how-to list.


BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? How are we supposed to explain these men in shorts and the bells and the funny thrusting? WHAT DO WE SAY TO THE CHILDREN?

Here's what you say to your kids:

"Honey darling sweetie, you know how we talk about 'real' and 'make believe'? Well, that ringing sound isn't real. Like Santa Claus and flying reindeer and elves aren't real. It's all make believe. Happy holidays!"

Or, you can tell your kids that every time a man in boxer shorts rings his bell, a Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings.

No, actually, don't tell you kids that.

I don't know what to tell anyone's kids. We don't have cable television because I'm pretty sure there's a lot on television that's raunchy and crude besides this commercial, and generally, I'm too lazy to screen every single thing my kids could possibly happen upon. Not having cable allows me to feign happy, lazy ignorance.


Yeah, I can be a sour-faced scold when it comes to the objectification of women and advertising using girl bodies to sell everything from soup to nuts (ironically.)

But if this ad featured women in underwear, jumping up and down and making their bodacious bras jingle out Carol of the Bells?

I can tell you from recent experience that searching "musical boobs" and "jingle bra" on YouTube brings forth a cornucopia of titillating and HILARIOUS videos.

That's what this woman has to say about it.



So it's not Shakespeare. Or Wes Anderson. Or even the Three Stooges.

I still thought Kmart's jingle guys were a giggle. I apologize for adding to our great nation's overall moral decline.

Photo Credit: YouTube

1970s Kids Television. Prepare to have your mind blown.

Romper Room



New Zoo Revue



Wonderama



The Magic Garden



Hatchy Milatchy Theme Song



The Electric Company



Zoom!



A Poem About Laundry

Wrote this one a ways back....

Canticle for 2:35 P.M.


The laundry pile is no more:
every sport bra stuffed
into a drawer, every pink panty
lined up crotch-to-crotch
in cottony majesty 
and I will fling the plastic basket,
fling it down! fling it down
the basement stairs!
and sing now by the
iron’s hot glow -

"This wash is done,
this wash is done,
and Hallelujah,
this wash is done!”

I have struck a broken pose,
my hands repeating timeless gestures, 
wrestling fitted sheets,
snapping T-shirts into unwrinkled
excellence, turning one last pair
of blue jeans outside-in, but
wasting not one second more
trying to match the unmatched sock,
save the unmatched sock found
skulking in a cuff; I will sacrifice
this leg garment and for once
I follow through, god dammit,
for once I ball it up and trash it,
trash the lone stocking that stands
empty-footed between me
and my warm cup of Darjeeling.

Now here is the moment.

The empty hamper moment,
the before-the-next-work-shirt,
peed-my-pants, 
the-cat-puked-on-the-bed moment; 
I am your faithful servant in this moment, 
this sock-searching wife released from
downy hell, Oh God -

this moment of pure pleasure,
this perfect Eden moment,
this hour before the first fig leaf 
was plucked and pressed, 
and placed just so.

Photo


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