Well, ring-a-ding-dingaling and fa-la-la-la-liscious! Kmart's new video ad for Joe Boxer underwear has tongues a-wagging over a bunch of comely young men jingling their jangly bits to holiday music.
If you're watching this with your Aunt Millie, you'd best bring out the fainting couch and smelling salts.
Ready? For your viewing pleasure.
Okay, quick poll:
What is ringing on these guys? Their hips? Their franks? Or is it the beans?
I know what you mean. Wink wink "bells up their bums" nudge nudge.
Although, I'm going with Jingle Balls. Isn't the selling point of boxer underwear the loose-fitting freedom and range of motion they provide ? This ad illustrates that point, spectacularly
Of course, we can't have anything nice without some busybody with finer sensibilities ruining it the rest of us.
Was Kmart a "once-great company?" I guess. I always liked the blue light specials.
But explain to me how is this commercial "anti-family?" I thought that wearing boxer shorts could improve a man's sperm count. I'd say that increasing sperm count ranks at least number five on the You, Too, Can Make A Family how-to list.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? How are we supposed to explain these men in shorts and the bells and the funny thrusting? WHAT DO WE SAY TO THE CHILDREN?
Here's what you say to your kids:
"Honey darling sweetie, you know how we talk about 'real' and 'make believe'? Well, that ringing sound isn't real. Like Santa Claus and flying reindeer and elves aren't real. It's all make believe. Happy holidays!"
Or, you can tell your kids that every time a man in boxer shorts rings his bell, a Victoria's Secret Angel gets her wings.
No, actually, don't tell you kids that.
I don't know what to tell anyone's kids. We don't have cable television because I'm pretty sure there's a lot on television that's raunchy and crude besides this commercial, and generally, I'm too lazy to screen every single thing my kids could possibly happen upon. Not having cable allows me to feign happy, lazy ignorance.
Yeah, I can be a sour-faced scold when it comes to the objectification of women and advertising using girl bodies to sell everything from soup to nuts (ironically.)
But if this ad featured women in underwear, jumping up and down and making their bodacious bras jingle out Carol of the Bells?
I can tell you from recent experience that searching "musical boobs" and "jingle bra" on YouTube brings forth a cornucopia of titillating and HILARIOUS videos.
That's what this woman has to say about it.
So it's not Shakespeare. Or Wes Anderson. Or even the Three Stooges.
I still thought Kmart's jingle guys were a giggle. I apologize for adding to our great nation's overall moral decline.
The laundry pile is no more: every sport bra stuffed into a drawer, every pink panty lined up crotch-to-crotch in cottony majesty and I will fling the plastic basket, fling it down! fling it down the basement stairs! and sing now by the iron’s hot glow -
"This wash is done, this wash is done, and Hallelujah, this wash is done!”
I have struck a broken pose, my hands repeating timeless gestures, wrestling fitted sheets, snapping T-shirts into unwrinkled excellence, turning one last pair of blue jeans outside-in, but wasting not one second more trying to match the unmatched sock, save the unmatched sock found skulking in a cuff; I will sacrifice this leg garment and for once I follow through, god dammit, for once I ball it up and trash it, trash the lone stocking that stands empty-footed between me and my warm cup of Darjeeling.
Now here is the moment.
The empty hamper moment, the before-the-next-work-shirt, peed-my-pants, the-cat-puked-on-the-bed moment; I am your faithful servant in this moment, this sock-searching wife released from downy hell, Oh God -
this moment of pure pleasure, this perfect Eden moment, this hour before the first fig leaf was plucked and pressed, and placed just so.